Blessed by GOD, to be loud and proud of what is good and right and true! GOD bless us, Everyone! IJCNA

Thursday, April 29, 2010


I always get my best ideas in the shower. I guess this happens for other people too. Seems like I have read it somewhere. Anyways, tonight... it came over me. Sorta like the spirit moved me... nudged me a little.
I was truly inspired.

It happens.

It is true that I can just sit down and write. But when I get that idea popping into my head like a big bright yellow balloon! Going POW! Its always a good thing!

I always get a title, first. Or subject. And I also get the first paragraph and a general idea what the title stands for. Then I sit down and go at it! It helps a lot to have a quiet house. It is very frustrating when you sit down with a great idea and someone is hollering or turning up the music or TV to loud, or maybe the dog will come whine about something!

Hahaha... Oh well, that is the life I choose.

But now I understand more when I see people in the movies, unable to disturb a writer or artist when things are being created.

So, today I want to try to create something I have thought about.

Words that have formed so delicately in the back of my head and which will haunt me until I come and let them out. Its the spirit in me.


I ask myself the proverbial question. 'WHAT DO YOU WANT PEOPLE TO SAY AT YOUR DEATH' ???

Which in turn, causes me to examine my life with the wondering, of what ARE some of the things about me that people are going to remember?

Is it strange that I care about this? I am not sure why. Some have said, "Don't worry about what people say." But the thing is, my GRANDMOTHER always told me I should ALWAYS care about what people think. And so I do. That doesn't mean I am going to NOT say something I think needs to be said. And in those cases... well... I still worry about what they are gonna say. Cause then I know, if I am going to have to argue about it. And I hate to argue. What a waste of time. Just sit down and state the facts. Its best to do this with a friend or mediator. No insults and no name calling and stick to the issue and get every ones opinion and then decide which is the best!

But I am not here to tell you how not to argue. Unless of course you write to me and ASK. lol... this is only for information about what I want people to think and say about me if I died. An old question, I am sure many have asked themselves. Or had asked of them.

Maybe one of my friends might have this idea in their head, if so, I hope that will happen. But here is me.

I grew up in hell. I have lived there most of my life. My only reprieve was when my Grandparents let me stay with them. It was much better there.

But when you grow up in hell and you see so much evil, that really exists in the world. (And I am serious about this. I have had many who have agreed, HELL IS RIGHT HERE ON EARTH). You either learn to live in hell, or you find a way out. You struggle and you never give up.

You see, this is what I have done. No matter the sorrow, or the pain, or the sadness of the backstabbers who attack on a whim. No mater who hurts you or how much your bleeding inside... you find a way to make it to the next day. Unless you don't, and your probably better off that GOD took you to a better place. In this case, its all good. This does NOT endorse suicide, you cannot be forgiven for suicide. It is not a good thing. You will not go to a happy place that way.

So you smile tho your heart is aching, you smile when your heart is breaking... when there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by... (that is a line from a song called SMILE; written by Charlie Chaplin)

You just keep going, struggle on and do the best you can.

The best you can.

Even Lil' orphan Annie will tell ya, "The sun will come out tomorrow." Always with positive thinking, always knowing 'You simply have to take the good with the bad.' I've heard it said... that, "it doesn't matter what happens to you, its how you deal with it that matters." Don't let these issues get the best of you. We have to, 'Buck up and be strong.' Its OK to whine a little about things that are messed up. But then get through the whine... (or wine, which ever works for you)... and FIX THINGS!


Focus on the bad and figure what you need to do to change things. Whatever it is... just do it!

So with all this info locked in my brain, I trudge on. Getting through the hard times. Even tho it seems the world is ready to implode on you.

Just keep being the best you can be. Keep on keepin' on!

Oh, and one of the best things that we can remember is this... Whining and complaining about other people behind their backs is not constructive. Neither is name calling. None of these things will take you to any place that is good. Just sit down with a kind heart and discuss the issues that have you upset. And work it out with as much respect as you can. If nothing comes of it, well, let it go. It will resolve one day, one way or the other.

You see, this is all the things I do for me. To make it through this crazy messed up world! And get through it, we all will!

Things wont be perfect. Never expect perfection. Something could always go wrong. And so sorry to say, a lot of times something does go wrong. But sometimes. I have discovered, that sometimes things go RIGHT!

So when people do think about me. And my kids finally discover the real meaning of, "Their gonna miss me when I'm gone."

I hope that someone will say something like this;

Nancy loved everyone and everyone loved Nancy. Men loved her... not only to gaze into those deep blue eyes, but because of her ability to understand them and sympathize with their troubles. Children loved her not only for her happy face but also for the way she always had of fixing things for them, whether it was a broken toy or a broken heart. Animals loved her because she connected with their little beings with a soft stoke or a friendly game of catch, or with her "animals are important too" attitude. Women loved her because she never judged them, always lifted them to a better train of thought and cared about the way the world treated them.

Maintaining that bright, happy, easy going aura was easy for her because she was genuine in the way she did things. Never a phony or a fake. But someone who always consciencely tried to be the best person she could be. Inside and out. Someone who cared so deeply for Mother Earth that she recycled yogurt containers, tiny spice containers, every aluminum can she could pick up, and every newspaper that came through her house.

She cared. Really cared, about family and friends and even the neighbors and strangers she would meet. And I can't even count how many strays and homeless animals she took in.

She believed in caring to be the best she could be.


In contemplation of these words here tonight. I just want to say that I want to be a good example to my children and to my children's children. Knowing that it will trickle down the life line. Just as my Grandparents were influenced by their Grandparents, I also have learned some very old tried and true, sage advice for this life. I so want to share it.

If all the people in all the world, really cared.

We could solve a world of problems.

Hate, Revenge, Waste.

Lets all care.

About ourselves and about each other.

A New Day

It s already after midnight... there is a full moon.

I have had so much rolling around in my head today I have been feeling the stress, I must, I need to get it out. I cant seem to go to sleep until it is written, all said and done.

First of all I want to mark this day. When I was coming home from taking the girls to driving school, my car got whistled at. YEAH... can you believe? It has been years since I have heard that sort of thing. I mean, I am middle age now! It was the classic appreciation whistle. So common to those of us who know. lol... Yeah, um, I used to be young and beautiful ;) So I wanted to remember this day for that purpose. And when my mind goes... as I am sure it will. I can come back here and read this blog and have a smile on my face. It is so nice to have such a good looking car! *SMILE*

Another thing I am thinking about is the fact that motherhood is so much apart of my life. My younger sisters daughter has moved out of her home. Now, thinking back, my mother took my niece after my sister had her, and cared for her when she was a baby, while my sister worked. But then I think it was around the age of four, she went to live with her mother, my sister. Now at age 16, she has moved in with her boyfriend. My sister is free of kids after just 12 years. Or kid. I only fantasize about that type of freedom. I had many more than one. I had mine and a few others too. For 32 years!! There was a few short times when I let my daughter stay with some friends, but it was a time when I was divorcing my second husband and I was afraid he would kill me and take my daughters life too. And so my friend suggested she stay with her a while.

And then the depression... after, I let her spend a lot of time with the family of a girl from school. They told me it was easier with her there, it gave their daughter someone to hang out with. It is possible they knew what I was going through and wanted to help. Hey, I know how that works. But for the most part, my life has been filled with kids. And thinking about all that now, I don't think I would change a thing. For I have loved all the children who have passed through my life and now my grand children are so close as well. Joe, more so, cause he lives with me and I love him more than words can describe. That doesn't discount the others... but they have really good parents and live down the street and they are well cared for. I do babysit a couple days a week. So I do have special time with them also. Which I cherish!

But my point is... even tho it has been a very hard stressful time. I have needed to be here. Secretly clinging to the children like they have given me a purpose. I am so glad that I have been able to stay home with them. It sure seems to have helped. They are good kids!

I have never put anything or anyone above the children. Have made so many sacrifices for them. Denying myself a life so that I could give them a better one.

I did try to bring men into the mix. But there was always a problem. And it just didn't work for me to put a man above the children. And I am a firm believer that a man has to be a top priority. Which is the way it would be if I had the father of the children with me. Of course the father would naturally be above them as he would be the strength and provider for the clan. So it would be natural and easy to put a man on top if he was the real father. But since that didn't happen that way for me, there could be none other.

So now I am looking forward to a life of my own. I often think about the time when these kids who are here now move out and on with their lives. I don't want to lose my perspective of who I am as a person. But I want to have a real life and have a real man who I can 'take care of' ... yeah... I need someone to care for.

Or I think I need. Or maybe it isn't a real need. More of a want. I want to be close and intimate with a man. (yeah a man cause I am not all into women like that, have never been) eeewwwwww...

So maybe this is a want. Maybe the truth is, I want to 'feel needed'.

But also, I know in my heart, if nothing ever comes of my love... which I do love... I am not loveless... but if nothing ever comes of it and I am alas... alone for ever more... then I will also be OK. I will just find a different purpose. I can volunteer at the hospital. Or a nursing home somewhere, I would feel needed.

Am I too old for to be close to someone special?

Is it to late for me?

Will destiny lead me back into my own lonely mind?

Will I ever feel that magicalness again?


At any rate. I have good friends... I have good family who is with me through thick and thin. Kids I can depend on.

And for this I will always be eternally grateful to GOD for giving me what I need. GODLY LOVE.

Love one another...

Do good to one another...

Never lose focus!

Thursday, April 08, 2010

The Lords Prayer... 2010

Dear Dad,
I have always loved and respected you! The way you choose to always do good, the way you help and care for others. You are so loved and respected by so many more people other than myself. I can only hope that your perfect example will guide me throughout my own days on this earth. I only want to live in a way that will make you proud of the person that you have made in me. My greatest achievement in this life is to emulate you! I want to live my life the way that you have lived yours, in truth and honesty and always with good will towards the people around me, loving them as you have loved me.

Also, I very much appreciate that you have given me the tools that I need to survive this daily grind. Sometimes life is really tough and I am very lucky that you have shown me the way to get by.

And please don't be mad at me if I mess up, I really don't mean to. And because of this, I have learned to be understanding when others mess up too. I have discovered that we all make mistakes and we all learn from them. And with that, I can learn to do better, so please don't hold it against me. And I promise I will not hold grudges against others who do things that are not good either, as they also need to learn these life lessons.

And as I work for you, please help me to stay away from the places where you know there are bad things going on. I really don't want to get caught up in all that. I know the end of it will do me no good. And if I do happen to fall into a place where bad things are going on, I promise I will call you, before it all goes wrong, because I know that you will come and help me, as you have always been there for me in the past when I have needed you.

Dad, I know that your way is the best! You have the joy of living in truth and happiness! And now I know, this is always the way to go. There's a certain satisfaction in doing good things and living the right way. And you know, happiness brightens up everyones day!

And that is the way it has always been and will always be! These things I know are true, as you have taught them to me and my brothers and sisters. Just as your father had taught them to you and even his father before him. And I too, will also teach my children these good ways, so they can also have a happy life, doing the things that are good and right that make you feel really great inside! Its a wonderful and powerful thing you have passed on to us! Thank you so much for this!

And so it goes, with love, always, Your child!