Blessed by GOD, to be loud and proud of what is good and right and true! GOD bless us, Everyone! IJCNA

Friday, September 30, 2011

Estelles Story

I sure didn't think it would ever happen like this. All those years I had thought my babies daddy was dead. My tears would come often, along with my prayers to GOD for forgiveness for past mistakes and begging GOD to somehow tell him how sorry I was and how much I had loved him and still loved him.

Three of his friends had told us he was dead. Now, I have mourned him all these years. It has been a struggle. A hard battle, fought with a momma bear attitude. And it was also a personal sacrifice. A test of a mothers inner strength, perseverance for all time.

And not choosing any man or any job or anything over the children.

I knew in my heart that I could find at least one of his sisters... my daughters, fathers sisters. I had looked for years for her Grandmother. But these people were like gypsies... I could never track them down. But, Friday November 5th, 2010, I stumbled across a website that had the grandmothers name and age and connected to it was her daughter Evelyn's info and age. So I did a white pages search and there it was! An address that is less than 5 minutes away from our home. My heart started beating so fast. Of course she has an address, she is on SSI by now. She was always a worker. She still is. She takes care of her 4 grandsons, while her youngest daughter Evelyn, works. Evelyn also has a very nice boyfriend who rounds out this family unit.

But here I am getting ahead of myself. So, there was no phone number. But I wrote the address down and text my daughter to tell her I had finally found her Grandmother!

It was raining that night, but there we were walking the apartments in the rain... making circles over and over again looking for #23. But #23 didn't have a number on it, so it was rather difficult. In fact, most of the apartments were empty. So when we saw an apartment with the lights on and people in there... we knocked on #18, asked the guy at the door where #23 was and he points across the courtyard to another door. So we go to that door. Knock. A woman answers and I asked for DT. She says, "Oh, they moved over there." Pointing back to the door where we had just spoken to the man. So we go back to #18 and I knocked. The man comes to the door, "I'm looking for DT." I said with a smile on my face. He turns and says, "D, they're looking for you." And here she came to the door, an older version of the woman I had not seen in 17 years. I smiled, "Do you remember me?" "YES." she responded, a bit awestruck. But then later, she confessed she only recognised me... didn't know who I was at first. "I have your grand daughter and great grandson." I said, pointing out the kids. She looked in shock, but who wouldn't be? "Come in." she said as she opened the door wider. We went in and I was suddenly surrounded by 4 of the cutest boys I had ever seen. "Let me get Evelyn." she said as she walked down the hall. I was so surprised! I had thought of all the possibilities of this situation, wondering who we would find first, as I had Evelyn's info also, I had found on a website. But never thought I would find them there together. We got lucky!

I knew it was going to be awkward, after all they had not seen Estelle since she was 18 months old and here she was with a 4 year old son. Well, we all introduced ourselves, even the nice man who opened the door, Evelyn's boyfriend. The boys, ages ranging from 7 to 15, were very friendly and I so enjoyed meeting them... his relatives! I went in the kitchen with D and Estelle went in the room with her Aunt Evelyn and her man and oldest son. The 3 younger ones were very nice to Joe took him to their room to play videos. It was so nice how we all just got along like a real family.

So many reasons to hate and be angry. So many reasons to be grateful and relieved.

But it was a real family. I loved these people. Altho they are not related to me, they are my daughters blood family and I wanted them to know her. She has such good things about her. An she was the spitting image of her dad and aunts and grandmother.

We had... all had some real good times in the late 80's... for about 5 years... but he had slowly slipped away from me... into a life filled with drugs and alcohol. A life I couldn't have around the kids... I had 4 here at that time, my younger sister, my niece, my son and OUR baby daughter. It got to where... he would come home crawling on the floor to the bathroom and would spend most of the night in there... How can you have respect for this? I lost respect... couldn't live with the drugs... chose the children as top priority and made him leave. I loved him with all my heart, but felt I had to sacrifice that love for the care of the children. It was a very hard decision to make.

I always thought he would quit drugs and slow down on the drinkin and come home... but the last time I saw him... she was just 4... and instead he just walked away.

When she was 10, I started hearing from people, that he was dead, that he had died of a drug overdose. An old friend of his, Johnny at Home Depot had said. And Adam, my nieces dad said the same thing when I found him. Actually I had found his mother online, my nieces Grandmother, for my niece, that was when he told us also that Bobby had died. And then later... Nick. Another one of his old friends... told us the same thing.

So for all these years... I had mourned my lost love.

When at DT's that rainy night last November, I had said, "I am so sorry to hear about Bobby." She looked at me like I was crazy... she said, "what do you mean?" I held my breath... "Uh, I heard he passed away." "Oh NO." she said, "he's in Dallas." The moment could of been frozen in time. Estelle and I looked at each other shocked and amazed! And the child must have the juice, because on the way over there, she had said to me, "What if we find out he really isn't dead." I had smiled... and said, "Well, that would be really great, but it may not happen." Always thinking logically. So there we all stood... we had this look going on, standing there all in a small circle, us realizing he was alive after all those years thinking him gone, them wondering at our story of him... it took a minute to take it all in... and then I immediately wanted to talk to him... there was so much I had wanted to say to him... it was overwhelming me... but they said they didn't have his number. They are sort of estranged. But they said when Renee called again they would give them the information. It was a let down. But a least we knew he was alive! I knew I would be able to at least right the wrong I had done.

Life was as it always is... a roller coaster ride.

And when we left... and we only left cause it was their dinner time and Grandma was serving up plates to the boys... so we left them with the promise of keeping in touch. Which we have been doing.

It seems it was at that time, when I noticed a change in her. One day she was sitting on the couch. I knew she was bothered by something... I looked at her and asked her, "What?" and waited... she didn't let me down! "You know mom," she flat out said... "when we thought he was dead, he had a reason not to show up, but now we find out he has been alive all this time and now... he doesn't have an excuse anymore." It threw me off guard because I had felt the same way about my father not being a part of my life for so many years... I told her this and told her I understood how she felt... but then... I quickly said... "he was afraid of me." I knew I had to take the blame for this... and in a way it was true. I think it eased her mind a little, but she grew angry... she went out of control... it was the worst 3 weeks I have ever known with her... it got so bad that I told her that I loved her cause she was my daughter, but I didn't like her as a person and couldn't wait for her to move out. I was shocked to hear those words come out of my mouth... but not as shocked as she was... but I was only expressing honest emotions. She left me alone as much as she could...

I was surprised a few days later when Estelle came in the room... she was crying and said her dad was fixing to call her. Her Aunt Evelyn had called and had finally talked to her dads older sis Renee, and she had given her brother Estelle's phone number... OH WOW... I was so happy to see the ball was rolling. So excited I was going to hear his voice again! I had so much I wanted to tell him. But he didn't call. So, after a couple hours, I got the number to Renee from Evelyn and was so jumping on that phone to call her. I had to tell her a few things so there would be no misunderstandings.

It was a great conversation, I always got along with this woman who was my daughters Aunt. We had some good times, going over to their house. It was early in our relationship, that I discovered that my mother had dated their dad. I had just sat down on their couch and looked up at a picture hung prominently on the wall, of this handsome man in a police uniform. Something had clicked in me, I had to look twice... there was recognition! I got closer and studied it better. Yes, I did know that man. I was shocked to know it was their dad, because when I was little, my mother would take my older sister and I to this 'Big Jim's' apartment and his 2 kids would be sleeping in the room and my sister and I would quietly watch TV while they would go out. Can you imagine the surprise? How must my mother feel, knowing that I had her grandchild with the son of one of her former lovers?

And then on that following Friday. Three weeks after we had contacted the Grandmother... The day after Thanksgiving... I heard her on the phone... and I knew in her voice it was her dad. We all 3 got on the phone and talked and cried... and... we all laughed. And we all got the love straightened out with tears and explanations and tales of regrets. It was an awesome phone call. You know, it was so strange because up until 3 weeks before, we thought he was dead. Just hearing his voice brought me to tears... we had never had any problems like fighting or infidelity... it was simply the drugs and drinking, the thing that breaks up many relationships... but I never stopped loving him. It wasn't about falling out of love for me, or finding something else... it was simply the lifestyle he chose didn't fit in with the kids that I was devoted to.

I had really felt like I had no other choice, in the best interest of the children, it was a huge giant sacrifice that left a huge hole in my heart... Oh I tried... and tried... and tried... but... I could never chose a man over my kids. If the kids had a problem I got rid of the man.

I doubted even being able to love anyone like that again. I would like to think that I could. I think I would give it a try for good sportsmanship... but inside I worry that no one would ever do. He was one of a kind.

I have already resolved to give my life to GOD and if a man can find his way in there too... well, that could be a good thing. But I will not hold my breath.

Finding out that her dad was married with a 4 year old daughter brought me such intense pain. But if he was happy, then so be it. His happiness is all that mattered to me. But I love him still, always have and always will. But there is nothing else I can do. I'll get by. He is at least alive... at least!

So they had been talking... and it warmed my heart. And I knew I could die in peace knowing my daughter will not be stuck out alone in the world. She even has a cousin who is a year younger than her... a girl cousin... I am so happy for her... for them... but inside I was sad that it didn't include me. I am slowly putting life's puzzle pieces together. Trying to fix things... straighten things up... getting my affairs in order, cause this girl is killing me with the stress of a DIVA drama TEEN queen..

I had a really great moment today, while passing my daughter in the hallway, she is holding her phone up so I could see it. And she had an incredibly wonderful look on her face... and she says... "See? I got MY DAD in my phone!" I looked and sure enough, she had 'Dad' there all bold and beautiful. Her happiness was evident. I am happy for her joy with the connection of a lifetime.

Whatever the reasons, or the excuses or the actions that led to our breakup... I don't care... I am OK... I can get over it... that girl has her Daddy back.
She's gonna be just fine...

Part 2

Who can know the ways of love? Who can say we've seen enough to know? Who can say that in time love always finds a way? Who dictates such feelings?

I keep waking up and breathing. A sure sign, its another day. I am secure with my inheritance for a while. I will recover.

He kept asking Estelle "wheres mom?" And when he got my phone number he started calling me more than he did her. We started talking more and more... I believe it was November 26th... the night he had first called. By mid December I had used up all my day minutes and got shut off so we could not talk anymore during the day. HAHAHA... we had talked for hours at a time, not seeming to get enough... Then he had to wait till after 9PM to talk on free minutes. How we laughed... I have never in all my years of having a cell phone ran out of day minutes. But I wouldn't of traded those phone calls for anything. For it was in them, that I had learned how very unhappy he really was. He had not worked for months... he was a stay at home dad. He complained about his wife. Said he had never been in love with her, she just kept coming around... he is a drinker and we all know how this goes. She got pregnant. He didn't want to marry her, but she insisted. And he figured he wasn't in love, but he was getting older he might as well, for the childs sake. So he did. He was 42.

I had met him when he was 24... I was 28. I fell so in love with this man, he was perfect for me, we did have some problems... but there was always the LOVE.

Now... Its been 14 years since the last time I had seen him. And we were getting closer and closer during those phone calls. But when we ran out of day minutes... 3 days later... December 16, 2010... well, actually it was in the wee hours of the 17th... He shows up at my doorstep. My heart knew it was him when he called from a gas station down the road.

He had taken off his wedding ring and left it on the bar and went and sold a TV to get the money to drive an illegal truck to the place where he felt true love lived for him. Its sorta crazy what love can do to a person, as I was shocked at his boldness, but that's how Bob is. And one of the reasons I love him so much. As I opened the door... I could hardly breath. The smile on my face couldn't of gotten any bigger. And what happened???

We laughed... we laughed and hugged and laughed... and we cried.

You would think we would of gone and fallen in the bed, but that's not what happened. We did go to the bedroom and shut the door. But even then our laughter woke up Estelle. We were up most of the night.

The laughter and the tears were so intense looking into those eyes, that for the last 10 years I had thought I would never see again on this earth... was almost magical.

He was... and is... my magic man.

So, 3 months he has been here. A father to my daughter... a man to this woman... a precious part of my life... for forever. And who would of guessed he would be able to get his old job back, that he had left all those years ago... we got very lucky on that one too! Now I know in my heart, I will never love another man like this. I COULD never love another man like this! This man has filled my life with such joy and intimacy... I know this is the way that GOD planned from the beginning. But we as humans are stubborn. Sometimes we make grave mistakes.

Looking back now, I wish I had what I needed to get help for him when he was doing all the partying... by that I mean he was doing some serious drugs. But I myself was a victim and am prone to be reclusive and depend on GOD to work things out for me. But I do wonder what would of happened if I did have a support system to help me get him off the drugs. We would of probably stayed together and had another child of our own.

Well, not gonna cry over it now. I mean he wanted to party, so I let him go party. Remember the old saying, 'If you love something set it free and if it comes back to you, its yours forever???

It was right for me to make him leave, rather than to stay and make me hate and despise him. Which I DO NOT. And I never did. I always talked with love about him with Estelle as she was growing up. I always told her of his good side. Just explained that I couldn't allow the drug life style to be in our house, our home.

Oddly, one of the conflicts that has occurred the past few weeks was that he thought I dumped him cause I wanted to be the party animal. It was just the other day, I finally got through to him that if I wanted to party I would of partied with HIM. Jeez... I wanted to get away from the party life. I had kids to take care of. I wanted him to want the family life too, but he was as stubborn as I was in his thinking. And we just let mistakes and misunderstandings keep us apart.

But no more. We are committed to each other until death. We have spoken these words more than once to each other. His 'wife' has tried to call him, but like his sister told her... "He ain't coming back." She is having a hard time with it. But with all respect, she shouldn't of been so mean to him and then tell him 'if he didn't like it he could leave'. Cause it sure came back to bite her in the arse.

Now he wont talk to her at all. He says he wants a divorce, she says she will never give him one. He wont talk to her when she calls... but said I can talk to her. Now if you know me, I am for the most part, calm and logical... with a few bursts of enthusiasm every once in a while. But when I told her on the phone that he didn't want to talk to her, but that she could talk to me, she started to rage, calling me a home wrecker... I told her, her home was wrecked long before I started talking to him. She went off on a name calling rant... calling me more than a home wrecker... so I calmly said... "if name calling is all you got, you need to dig a little deeper." upon which she hung up on me. Which is really hilarious to me because once when Bob had told her he wasn't coming home, she had told him that "he would be coming home after she had a talk with..." me. SO it was so funny to me at this point to hear her turn into a bumbler and hang up on me. When she had stressed to him she could control him through me.

Its OK. For some strange reason, ever since I took up the fight against Islam... I LOVE to be HATED! So this is something that doesn't matter to me. If I was her, I would hate me too. But she has only herself to blame. Bob is not going to stay where he is unhappy, not if there is another place for him where he can be happy. And I think its down right funny that GOD gave him a place to go... right into my loving arms. After all... we live in the USA... we all have the right to the persuit of happiness.

My Grandmother used to tell me that men stray from their women because of the way the other woman makes them FEEL... so in that simple info, she taught me what I needed to know to keep a man FEELING VERY HAPPY.

Which he is. And we are... so very HAPPY.

Part 3

It has been almost a year. We are closer today than ever before. We love each other with a passion and always stick together. Thats not to say we are together always. He works and I babysit down the street. Recently Estelle and her dad went back to Dallas... he got assistance from his sister... she went over to get her niece to spend the day with her... and took Bobs hats, which Bob wanted. She said she was going to mail them to him. Wow, gotta love that womans spunk! And the X had no idea that Bob was in town to see his daughter and get his hats. So, they all had a nice visit and saw many friends on the way out of town. Before the X got word... how she found out... who knows? But it all worked out good because he didnt want to see her.

So... we are always together, even when we are apart. We believe thats the way its supposed to be. We have the same dreams and goals... and we fight about who is going to have to bury who... which I am always the winner on that... because it is decided... that I cannot ever live without... what I feel... when I am near him.

Our days are filled with productive moments and talks of varying importance. But the talk that fills me with the greatest joy is our vocal realization that we are living like, my grandparents... MY Nanny and PawPaw did. Who were good people, In love and together 67 years. I love being Nanny... I love him being PawPaw... I love the life we have finally been able to create after all these years... its a good thing. Ya see... I always knew he would come back to me after he got the party life out of his system... just didnt know it was going to take 15 years to get it right! So now its been 23 errr... 24 years... since when we had first met. I was his waitress... he had smiled at me and I said to him. "You know, your the most handsome man I have ever seen." he laughed out loud... he thought I was kidding! When we finally got together, I thought... this love is for a lifetime. And never suspected it would cost me 15 years of my life without him to get it straight.

So now my prayer is... that GOD gives us many good years to live and love and watch our grand children grow. Because in the end... its not going to be about what we did or didnt do all those years ago... it will be about the love that we can pass down to all the babies that the Good LORD blesses us with... to hold and teach them to love... as has always been my goal. To love the children... more than myself... and even when the time comes... when this other child in his life can make the choice to be here with us too... it will all, still be good. I will love her too. Its his child. The child is innocent. She cant help what her mother did. Nor what her dad has chosen to do.

Thats the thing about Bob. Bob is going to do what Bob wants to do and nothing anyone says or does can stop him. I love that about him. There is so much about him that I love. His smell... his touch... his voice... his laughter... I will never take these things for granted ever again. I feel very lucky, being given this second chance. And I hope that my days will always be filled with expressions of love and loving actions so intense he will forever feel compelled to come home to me...
And we will dwell in a house full of LOVE... forever.


Sunday, September 04, 2011

World Confusion

I have recently noticed that there is a lot of confusion in the world. Not just confusion about who God is... but also what love is... and what a muslim is. So today,I want to touch on these three issues.

Now, first of all LOVE. I have to say, they almost had it right in the 1960's, except for one thing. They confused LOVE with SEX. Oh yes,I was on the tail end of that. I was 3 months old when it became the 60's, but I still remember the stories. The issues of the day. The mood of the people. And the truth is... we honestly thought that FREE LOVE meant free sex. And almost every one, went crazy doing it. Some called it a 'sexual revolution'. I think it was the simple belief that sex is the same thing as love. Now, you can have LOVE without sex. And you can have sex without love. But whats really great; Is sexual love! But that's not the love that GOD is. As some people thought. When I was about 17, I met some people, trough a friend. They were known as The Children Of God. Now looking back, it was a commune where evidently, everyone loved everyone. Whew... did I get out of there by the skin of the teeth. They were real nice people, but they were hiding secrets, I am sure of it. But they were in line with others... love is sex. Or so we thought. But we were wrong. Sex has nothing to do with love. It can benefit people in love, but alas, it is not love. I think there has been other times throughout history that this has happened. And of course the result is sexual assault, or rape. So lets not ever be confused again. Lets all know that LOVE is an entity in itself. It has many components, and sex is one of them, but only in its proper place. And there are other byproducts of love also, that is, caring, kindness and compassion. These are all actions of love. When we love someone, we care about their well being, we treat them kindly, and have compassion when they are in pain, physical or mental or emotional.

This is what the Algerians did when they recently took in Gaddafi's family, a daughter was giving birth, needed medical attention. Altho she would have been OK out in the desert with her mom helping her, it was good and right of the Algerians, an act of care and compassion, that was kind to humans. I had a chance recently... to communicate with an Algerian. I often comment on yahoo news boards. Yahoo is world wide. And anyone all over the world, if they are a member, can post a comment. I learned something when I was able to communicate with this fellow earthling... these people are trying to do what is right. They want to do away with the Sharia law. Well I salute their efforts, but I honestly believe the only way to eliminate sharia law, would be to abolish Islam. It has been corrupted way back in the 700's AD. Lets get back to the root God for a minute. Which brings me to...

2nd confusion... GOD. Who is GOD? And why are people confused? OK, the original GOD. The one we find in Genesis... is the same GOD that is alive in the people today. However, Jesus was the axis to a change, when GOD discovered that in the times of old, people could be corrupt on the inside but on the outside, they would go to their religious services, sacrifice their most prized of goats, birds and such... as a sacrifice. Now the system was corrupt in itself. As the holy priests, altho they tried, they were not perfect either. So GOD saw the corruption and decided to make a change. Which is what we do as people. When we see a corruption we make a change. And we will! Now, I am going to attempt to make it quite clear who GOD is... what HE is... and why we need HIM. GOD is the all powerful, perfect BEING... who IS greater than any man who has ever lived! HE is a combination of all the great men and more! What exactly??? He is the SPIRIT that is alive and well, in the HEARTS and MINDS of HIS people! What the Bible calls, The Holy Ghost. It is something alive inside. Ya see, the Bible talks of a second death, other than the death of a human body. It is the death of the soul. Not only your body can die, but if GOD deems it, your spirit can die too. Some people know this already. There is such a thing as a dead church. It has its traditions, its doctrines, the communion of the people... but lacks the spirit. So those churches become corrupt and make a bad name for all churches... (more confusion) when we see holy men do horrific things and if you study history, you can see, many a religious man has done horrible deeds and has fallen fro grace. This includes even the best of churches. We have seen many a holy man become arrogant within himself and GOD sees that, so God allows the man to fall, to teach him, that he is not a perfect man. There is no such thing as a perfect man. However, I do believe there are practically perfect people! My grandparents were a couple of practically perfect people (PPP). I see practically perfect people every where. They are just human beings trying to make the best of life.

Now... WHY do we need God? This is so important I have to give it its own paragraph! We need GOD because we are NOT perfect! We do make/cause human errors. And GOD is merely what defines us as 'good and right'. A RIGHTEOUS people. Again a reference to Christianity. Now as a religion, it tells us not to believe otherwise. And this is in all religions... It is a good thing for the majority of people to follow. Because some people don't understand complicated doctrines or traditions. The act of doing something holy, but it is all a pretence as to be seen among men. So you see, by sending JESUS, as the final sacrifice among men, it allowed men to become accountable for their own actions. They could not kill or commit adultery and then go to God on the sabbath and atone themselves with an animal sacrifice anymore. We are now, accountable in our heart and minds to God. And so therefore, GOD perfected the LOVE WITHIN mankind! Jesus who was the son of the LIVING GOD, made it so simple, so that even simple minded people could follow HIM. He said, LOVE ONE ANOTHER... DO GOOD TO ONE ANOTHER... BEAR ONE ANOTHERS BURDENS. These are the simple instructions of CHRIST the son of GOD... who wanted us to have a better life.

And I believe that that is what we should always strive for. The betterment of the people. We want our children to do better. But so many times they don't. Oh well, they have the freedom to choose for themselves. And they will suffer for their misdeeds just like the USA is suffering for ITS misdeeds. Hate me or not... but the first step to fixing our economy is to CUT OUT these GET LOANS HERE... just a swipe away. This is what is crashing our economy. Giving credit to people who can't or wont or never even plan to payoff their debts.... much less afford to. And we should know better already... some people just are not good with money! You can't treat people the same... so these 'quick loans' that sound so good to them are really a trap that the rich people set up to strip the poor, lower IQ people of their dignity and trap them into a system that will be their doom. Its the beast... it is never a good idea for rich corrupt men to get together and find a way to steal a poor mans money and in turn owning his life. We see this now in our world. People committing suicide, they owe so much. People filing bankruptcy who lived a lavish life style... all on credit. We must abolish all the credit in order to solve the economy problem.

I don't know why I went off on that one, because I didn't plan anything on economy,in this post... but I go where ever the good Lord takes me :)

Now... this one about the muslims. A muslim is not a type of people. You can be white, black, red, yellow, green, brown or blue... and be a muslim. But, you can also be one of those colors... and be a non muslim. A muslim is not limited to an Arabian, or anyone who looks like them. I have seen Arabian people who have Americanized. They wear jeans and a t-shirt. Or a business suit, just like we do. They drink beer or wine and have sex with whom ever they choose also. They disregard Islam and are not muslim at all. No, a muslim can be a person of any race who is devoted to Islam. Islam has the sharia law which is devoted to allah... who seeks world dominion, who has set jihad up to push islam on by terrorizing people after people after people. Spreading Islam worldwide. This is their goal. Now recently I was able to speak to a muslim who told me that they are trying to get sharia law taken out of islam. Hmmmm... well, maybe that's their idea of a FIX to a problem that can bee seen world wide. But the way I see it, you have to abolish Islam, because sharia law IS ISLAM. I give kudos to the muslims who are recognizing that there is a need for change, but they don't want to upset the apple cart so to speak, causing a riot from the die hard Islamist.

So all in all... there is so much confusion among people all over the world. I pray the people free themselves from the bondage of Islam. Take off your burka... throw out your hate for non muslims... release your restrictions... eat when you want... what you want... sleep when you want... but work hard in your life and pray without ceasing. Always following the way that is good and right for all man kind.

For with LOVE leading the world to caring for others, being kind in your actions... and helping a brother or sister out in a time of need. That is what its all about people! Lets all get together world wide and agree that we can all be who we want to be... but lets LOVE and RESPECT one another and do GOOD to one another.

In the name of JESUS CHRIST... AMEN