Blessed by GOD, to be loud and proud of what is good and right and true! GOD bless us, Everyone! IJCNA

Saturday, February 28, 2009


Well, I did it again. And I am suffering for it. It was my own fault. I have only myself to blame. I pass no fault to others. It is not the first time, but hopefully it will be the last. I don't know why I feel like I need a man by my side in order to have a better life. I am doing good alone, helpful to many of the ones who seek special knowledge that I can help them find, through the GOD whom I serve. And I have the freedom to be here for whomever needs me. Sometimes in the middle of the night, someone will come over, needing a friend, a shoulder and a few words of comfort. I am there for them. I listen and I give good advice. They feel like they are not alone. This is my purpose.

I believe all my X husbands would not like this habit of mine. My neighbors have even noticed there are lots of people coming and going. They speculate and wonder. But I have been in this neighborhood for over 40 years and I know many many people. I have many many friends. A couple who deserve special mention here... Kelly, you have some special moves there, thank you for being my friend! And Korey, who works so diligently for Reeves All-Pro Roofing and Construction... you are so sweet and I appreciate all your help! Thank you for being my friend!

So why do I, even tho I have many who love me, feel so alone? Even tho' GOD is right here feeling a little dissed by my need to feel loved in the physical sense, I feel alone. Craving the gentle touch and soft caresses that I have known during the good times. But it has also been that every time someone loved me, it was a bad thing. I spent years telling myself I don't want anyone to love me, its to much for me to handle. And I know that because I was abused as a child, I grew up to marry men who abused me too. And I associated that abuse with love. But it was all wrong. And still, I keep thinking that someday someone will love me and it will be a good thing.

I have enjoyed the company of the 20somethings and 30somethings... but that is only them satisfying their own needs as they attempt to satisfy mine. It is not considered to be anything serious. I have enjoyed meeting so many way cool people. I have only had a couple mishaps. Which has not deterred me from meeting people to talk to about the serious issues of life. And along the way I have met a handful of awesome people who are real and who really care. Sal S., David V., Chris F. you guys have taught me a lot about myself, thank you for being my friend! I will always love you guys!

GOD keeps reminding me that I am doing good alone. I have read my Bible seven times over... well, not Numbers, once was enough for Numbers. And other parts I have read a thousand times over. GOD has given me good guidance and knowledge to help others in their dark times. And I do know that I am doing good when I share what I have learned with others.

My daughter will soon be 18 and it has always been in my mind that when she grew up and didn't need me anymore I thought that I would find a best friend/lover whom I could feel the real intimacy with. Someone who would get so close. Someone who would need me as much as I would need him. Someone funny and smart who would be good to me. But...

I have made so many sacrifices in my life. Concentrating on the kids and the house. Altho' I cant do the home repairs that a man could do. I still struggle alone and it has been for a long time now. Not letting anyone close has become a habit. And I have become pretty good at it, I can chase a man off pretty darn quickly.

I am thinking that I am just to old to be thinking I will find someone and have the true love that is wasted on the young. Feel the closeness that soft whispers in the night can bring. And I have pondered this for days now... and its just not reasonable. Cause you know the guys who are forty something wants girls in their 20's and 30's. And they can get them. There are lots of them out there, ready to party and have a good time.

And now... I realize that the facts are facing me pretty darn good these days. I can think these thoughts and get through them like I need to do. After all, I did promise to be there for the kids. And I sure did that! And then some. People who know me know that I pamper my daughter in ways that I am able. Oh, not in material things. But in the things I do for her. Like pick her clothes up off the floor and wash and dry them and fold them and put them away for her. I cook for her and I clean her messes. And I set my alarm and get up before she does to help get her together for the bus. Oh yes, and I do stand outside in the garage/driveway and wait for her bus for her, so she can 'do her thing'... and when I see the bus coming, I call to her. Yes, shes really gonna miss me someday... lol... but I know that she will be OK and so will I.

So now I am going to just plan on cleaning the house and selling things I don't need. I will plan on enjoying my time alone. If it is GODS will that I be alone and not have a real man in my life.... just this thought brings tears to my eyes. I look back on the men who were in my life and how they were not real men, they all took and stole and hurt my soul in ways that are undescribable in this post here today.There has not been one responsible 'real man' who would take responsibility and time to care for the things that mattered in my life. It was all about them. What they could get. They didn't even care about the kids as much as they cared about themselves. My daughters father wore gold on every finger and wrist and had several necklaces. I once told him that that was how he valued himself. I really don't think he understood.

Well, my point here tonight is... how can I miss something that I never had?

My only warm fuzzy here is that both of my children have good strong healthy loving relationships. At least, I taught them what true love is. And I believe they will continue teaching it to their children. And I want them to always remember, I never chose a man over them. Never put myself above them. Even tho it was a sacrifice of the heart.

I say this because when I was young, I had so many men floundering at my feet. So many men I had pushed away because I only had time for my kids. I could of had a good man. But I pushed him away. And now... I am middle aged. My face is falling... along with the mams... my toes are widening along with my waistline. I am not the young girl I once was. I will never be that girl again. Its so strange how sometimes inside we still feel young, but taking one look in the mirror snaps ya back to reality. So I have to stop living in denial. Let that dream go in my life. I must realize that there is more in life than to have a special person touch you with loving actions that tingles on deep down to the heart and soul.

I think my final thought on this tonight... is... I want my children and grand children to know the sacrifice was worth it. And I would do it all over again for the love that I have been able to instill in you. I am so proud that you have learned this most important lesson in life...

LOVE ONE ANOTHER... for in loving one another...

You fulfill GODS law.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

My Knowing

This is something I have wanted to write about for a long time. It is something that has always been strange to me. But I realized when Jennifer Hudson's family was recently murdered I still had the juice, as in I knew that the perp was someone close to her. Someone she knew, but didn't know their inner persona. So I want to talk about it.

The first time I noticed I knew things that I shouldn't, was back before my son was born. It was around 1983. I was living with my first husband in Saracuse, Missouri. It was a very small town, population 222, SALUTE! I had become friends with the lady at the post office, her name was Joanne. She had 5 children. She was really nice and I would visit her at the post office most days. We lived in a rent house in the middle of a field, close to town. Sometimes I would play my music and would sing out loud and the people could hear me all the way to town. And people were talking about the singing girl. They wanted me to go sing in a local band, but my father in law, told his son, my husband, that if I did that it would put me 'in the world' and they didn't want that.

One day, Joanne told me her husband was missing. Had been missing for about 6 weeks. She was so worried. We all were. That night, GOD told me to go tell her NOT TO WORRY BECAUSE HER HUSBAND WAS OK AND WAS GOING TO CALL HER. I argued with GOD for 3 nights. I told HIM I didn't want to get involved with things I didn't understand. But GOD said HE would take care of it. I argued and argued, thinking I was going to look like an idiot, worried about my reputation as a sane woman. But in the end after not being able to sleep for 3 nights, the 4th morning I told GOD I would go tell her. I got dressed and went down to the post office and told her, "Joanne, I know this is going to sound crazy, but GOD has bothered me so much about it, I have to tell you." She smiled. I continued. "GOD told me to tell you not to worry because your husband is OK and he is going to call you."

And as soon as I had spoken those words, the phone rang! We both looked at each other and laughed at the coincidence, neither one believing it was really him. I can still see her in my mind today, as she walked over to the desk and picked up the phone. Within seconds she turned around slowly and the look on her face was of total shock. I was so freaked out I had to sit down right there on the floor of the post office, I was so in shock as well. We all were. After that I was known as the girl with the ESP.

I don't know how or why this happens, but I have very often known things I shouldn't know. I have tried to hide this in me because it is so strange. But the people in the church I was baptized in said it was a gift. All this can be documented by asking my XXX husband or finding Joanne or her friend, I forget her name, maybe it was Pat, but she covered for Joanne at the post office when she needed a day off. It wasn't really a surprise to the elders in the church because in the past, when the preacher would come around the room laying hands on us to see if any would prophesy, when he came to me, my mouth opened and the words came out like water. I don't remember to well the words that were spoken that day but it was all about just believing and having faith and taking action.

Throughout the years I have also enjoyed this hot line to GOD. Many times I would lay my hands on someones door and say a special prayer and GOD would always take care of business. My little sister can testify to this fact. Once, there was a woman across the courtyard who was a real brat. She had a little kid who was a brat as well. One day our puppy was out doing his business and this kid came up and kicked him. The puppy nipped back at him. (which when I got home later and the kid took off the band aid, there wasn't even a mark on him) But this woman called the city and the police came out and animal control had taken the puppy. It would of cost $75.00 to get him out. I had 4 kids at home at that time, I couldn't spend money on getting the puppy back when I was trying to pay bills and buy food. This woman and I also fought in the courtyard about it later. Not physical, but she was sure afraid. I wasn't going to hurt her, but she didn't know that... I just told her off. What a horrible person she was. These facts can also be remembered by my friend Juanita whose brother hung out with a guy who lived there in that apartment with this horrible woman.

Later when I realized I wasn't going to be able to fix this problem, I went and laid hands on her apartment door. I said a special prayer and told GOD since I couldn't do anything, I knew HE could. I asked HIM to take care of this issue in HIS own way. Finishing up, I went back into my apartment. Next thing I knew, as I was taking out my garbage, I overheard her complaining in her apartment with the windows open. They were open because their central AC went out! Also, their prized Camero broke down and they had to redo the whole engine. Their dog and furniture was infested with fleas and their family with head lice. The worst that happened was the father in the house died. I didn't choose these things, nor did I ask GOD to do these things specifically, GOD chose these problems.

A year or so later, when a woman at my job accused me of stealing the football pot, which she always did when she wanted someone fired, as she was head bartender and I had heard she wanted me fired. I went to the boss and told him I would never do anything like that... but he believed her. When he went inside, I laid my hands on the door of the club and asked GOD to take care of this issue. Later, I found out, he had a heart attack, he lost his business and his wife left him.

So I don't mess with GOD, I have seen HIS powers first hand. I am HIS child and trust HIM.

Now a days, I am glad that I have this HOT LINE to GOD! I am used to knowing things that I shouldn't. Most of the time, I only use this information for myself. It is a good thing when people try to lie to me, I always know. Sometimes I want to be in denial. Sometimes it is to hard for me to handle. For the most part I just file things away.

Another way this affects me is when I get to close to people in public. When I brush up against them. Because, I get flashes of their spirit. Most of the time, I see a good person, but sometimes I see very BAD ones, this is really hard for me to deal with and for the most part, I want to stay away from people so I don't have to deal with it. But I now know that these things can help me in my life. These things are a blessing! I just have to learn to use it the best that I can.

The part that bothers me the most is, I don't want to deal with some of the things. Sometimes I have hit my own head, wondering WHY are these things put inside MY head?

I don't have the answer. I am not sure. But my guess would be that GOD knew I would be able to handle it. I would also be able to help people in ways ordinary people cant.

Sometimes I wish I could help more people. Maybe as I get older I can. Maybe after my kids grow up I will have the time to concentrate on some good projects!

I believe the best is yet to be... for me. That is why GOD made me MOTHERPOPE!