Blessed by GOD, to be loud and proud of what is good and right and true! GOD bless us, Everyone! IJCNA

Monday, September 09, 2013

Betrayal Is Painful

Something serious has been weighing on my mind and you know when I get upset and think to hard, I know I can come release it here! It is a good outlet for me. When I was younger I was instructed to use a Journal... well I have one, but I have also lost one... on an airplane long ago... so I think its good to come here to vent. :)

Betrayal is a strong word. But it is the only one I can think of that covers this whole topic. I mean its been like that since the beginning of time... Satan betrayed GOD... and Judas betrayed Jesus... and all the other stories of betrayal throughout the years... so what makes me think I would have anything different?

For starters... before I was even 2 years old, my mother married a man who had been in the army and he taught her to 'strip us naked and beat us for punishment'. So I have had this done to me since before I was two. Now, I am not going to get all into this, because I have written about this in the past. The horrible beatings... the beratings... the emotional and mental anguish... that was just always apart of my life. Well... this lasted until I was 12 years old. So for 10 years, I suffered under my mothers cruelty... I think it was because she loved the man more than her children...

How could the person who was supposed to love me the most... treat me the worst?

The last beating I got, I was 12 years old and it was because I babysat for the next door neighbors... and one night I got permission to call long distance. I guess I spent to much time on the phone and the bill was high... or the neighbor over reacted to the situation... but I had come home from school and got the last beating from my mother... because the neighbor came over crying about the bill.

I did end up babysitting a free night for them. But I think I could of done without the beating.

I think my mother took pride in parading me over next door sobbing with swollen face and tears streaming to show the woman that I got what I had coming. The woman seemed freaked out about it.

It wasn't long after that I went to live with my dad.

I will never forget those ten years of suffering.

And now...

My daughter...

I don't understand WHY... someone I love so much has turned on me and defied and disrespected me the way she has. She is a mean girl and does and says things just to hurt me. Why, just today, she said... "One day I am going to get out of here and you will NEVER see me again." And this included her 2 children, my 2 grand sons who are the joy of my world. What makes a person treat their parent like that? She is the one who didn't need to go to school, she is the one who had 3 children without being married... so she is the one who is stuck living with her parents... HAHAHAHA... so horrible I can only laugh at the absurdity of it!

And again... 10 years... since she was 12... she has changed. Very self centered and self serving.

I would bet my money on the reason being... drugs and alcohol. I was watching a movie called Prozac Nation... and it was clear to me, its that 'FUCK YOU, FUCK THAT, FUCK THEM' mindset/attitude that is so common in druggies and drinkers. SO seriously not funny. I don't understand, because I am not like that. And it seems the bad attitude is much worse when she is in front of a friend, or a few friends.

I personally would never act like that, as mean as my mother was to me... I learned to sit down and shut up and don't make waves. Maybe its because I have always been good to her. Doing all her laundry, cooking cleaning... My goal for her was for her to never have to clean a toilet. But she defied me... has lied to me... and I just never know when she is telling me the truth. She has hurt my heart and soul for 10 years now.

I don't get it! What's the deal?

Has society taught her to be disrespectful? The Mean Girls taught her to be mean?

I think this is why there is a dark cloud hanging over my soul. So much suffering from the ones who should love me the most... my mother and my daughter, killing me with cortisol. And I can only love them!

GOD has installed LOVE in my heart even tho someone is hurting me.

It is the sadness of a lifetime.

Where's the LOVE, MAN?

We are teaching our children not to care... yeah... with the media and the attitudes floating around how in the hell can we win? I will not kick my daughter out... I LOVE her and I am not going to do that to her. She is almost 22 and I think the next 3 years will help teach her. I hear that a persons frontal lobes are not fully developed until we are 25... so... All I can do is be patient and avoid her... and that breaks my heart :(

I can see a people... who have figured out that we MUST instill/install LOVE within the hearts of the children... and have figured out a way to stop the youth from rebelling.

If your gonna rebel, make sure about what your rebelling... if someone is trying to teach you to do good and right things... that's NOT the time to rebel... People are supposed to rebel under lies and oppression. Not just because they hate you because you have control over them since they live in your house... I mean for real, be real!

Don't argue just for the sake of winning when you are in the wrong. Cause you will never win and you will look stupid and then later on, you will have to go back and apologize for being an idiot... and that will make you look double stupid.

These are all things that my daughter has done. I can be right as rain and she knows it and all the people know it... but she will still argue. She is still like a little 13 year old.

What makes the ones close to us want to betray us?

We really must figure this one out and stop it.

I always think that someone without GODS LOVE are the ones who are able to commit the most horrendous of acts. If we could somehow teach the world that GOD IS LOVE... and to be GODLY is to be LOVING to one another... we could fix a world of problems. We could solve a world of crimes... and prevent others from going down that road.

Whatever the answer is... however long it takes... I know that to hold out for LOVE... by being the example of love... suffering and showing the world the suffering... some how someday... they will wake up and see themselves as others see's them.

People who cause other people pain are evil... and if we could shun all the evil in the world... maybe it would GO AWAY!