Blessed by GOD, to be loud and proud of what is good and right and true! GOD bless us, Everyone! IJCNA

Friday, December 09, 2005

In Memory Of Chris B.

It's hard to believe that he will never come knocking on my door again. After all these years he is gone and wont be coming back. I have no closure here. In my mind he is still alive and he still loves me.

I met Chris about 12 years ago. I was at a friends house and she was making a big dinner and had invited many others. There was a football game on and I was sitting on the couch when HE walked in. It was love at first site. But I sure didnt love seeing his wife walk in, right behind him. My heart broke knowing that I couldnt get to know him better. Little did I know, that soon, I would find out how wrong I was. I made friends easy and I even got along with his wife. She actually became a good friend for a couple years. But then I found out she was cheating on him. In fact while she was living with another man he came to see me. We talked, he kissed me. Not any wimpy kisses either. When this man kissed me he always took my breath away. We all got along, until one day, she was over at my house and he showed up. She wanted to be with him sexually but her son was with her, so she decided she was going to take her son home and come back to 'get him' again, but while she was gone, he was all over me. It was the first time he ever made love to me. The garage was left open and she wasnt gone for very long and I heard her pulling up just as he had exploded inside of me. When she came to the bedroom door, he was in my little bathroom and I was sitting on my bed with just a sleepshirt on breathing very hard. (I didnt feel guilty because she was living with another man.) But the look on her face was angry... But I had never felt so loved. After she left, she went to the guy I was seeing at that time... and screamed, "I just caught my husband and your girlfriend having sex." Ohhh boy, it was all I could do to say, "NO, she didnt catch us." We were already past that part by the time she came in. So I justified it and never regretted what we had done.

He told me he wanted to marry me. I couldnt tho. His wife was my friend and I just couldnt live with the fact that she was so much a part of his life with the fact that they had 3 children. I just didnt want to get in the middle of all that. I became his secret lover. Which wasnt really much of a secret. We had the hots for each other for the 2 years we had known each other. But we hadnt touched each other until that day. All the times he asked me to marry him, I said no. I wanted to wait till his kids grew up.

I did end up getting married, to the guy I was hanging out with, which lasted a whole 10 months. When I moved back home, which was my home, but my sister was living in my house. I hadnt even gotten a divorce yet and one night, early in April he had just shown up at my door. I wasnt expecting anyone and when I asked who it was and heard his voice I couldnt get the door open fast enough. I hadnt had a shower but he didnt care, he grabbed me up in one of those glorious kisses. I had always loved him and fell right back into bed with him.

He told me he was married to a second wife. Ohhhh... well he told me he didnt love her. He proved it when he started coming round again. Of course I was still married even tho I was seperated. And it wasnt long before he asked if we could both get divorced and get married. I was all about getting a divorce. After a few fights in my driveway with my ex husband. I got my divorce and he got his. We lived together for a year then. His kids were grown.

During that year I saw him in a different way. He was a cronic gambler and a crack smoker. My son found a crackpipe and told me about it. Chris denied it. He later told me the truth. He got to where he was spending all his money gambling or on crack. He would call and tell me to pick up some beer when I went to the grocery store. (That meant he had no money.)

There was once he told his boss that he had lost his check, his boss gave him a new one, he went and cashed BOTH checks and headed for LA thinking he could win the money back. He lost it all. The only reason why he didnt lose his job was because he had been there 24+ years and his boss was one of the old employees and he was close to him. All they did was not issue him a check for the next week.

One night we were at a bar and of course he was on one of those gambling machines. I was sitting at a table watching him. Of course he spent all of his money on the gambling machine and asked me for money. All I had was bill money. He got angry,"Like Im not gonna pay you back"... uh yeah... as usual, he wont remember, or just deny oweing. Saying he already paid me back. I finally got tired and threw him my last 40 bucks and went and sat in the truck and waited for him to lose that too. Didnt take to long.

I think what happened was I lost respect for him. When he asked me to marry him the next time I told him "NO" and told him he needed to move out. I couldnt afford to take care of another person. After all... he had gone out and bought all sorts of things with my credit card. *Heavy sigh*. I still loved him. But I was used to losing out on l0ve. And I knew he would come back... he always did.

And he did... he moved out... but still came back to visit. Even when he got a new girlfriend, the whole time he was with her, he was coming to see me. And when they got married, she was the 3rd wife he had cheated on, with me. I had always loved him and accepted him for who he was. And I felt loved. I still have the emails he sent me before he married her, asking if I was ready for him to come home. I wanted him to so bad, but I knew how it would be. And I just figured he would be there later. I never gave a thought that one day he would die, alone, in a hotel, with a crack pipe.

I dont know if I will ever get over this. I will remember Chris for his love and his happy jolly personality, even tho he had a couple bad habits.

I have to let it go now... I have to let HIM go now.

He will never come over again.