Overwhelming Thoughts

 I have been overwhelmed with emotion. 

I have been sick since 11-12. It was like a serious head cold. My granddaughter went to the Dr., and they tested for covid, flu, pneumonia. It was nothing like that. I have had my covid flu and pneumonia shots. I had fever and laid in the bed as long as I could. Everyone got sick except my daughter in law and one of my granddaughters. Still, I have this terrible cough. But I am thankful I didn't die.

We had Dee's brother here about 3 days. He is in such bad shape the Dr's and nurses don't know why he is still alive. So, he sat on the couch, had a bottle to pee in and wanted food but couldn't eat much. He's on oxygen it was blowing max and he still had trouble breathing. I will never understand why he was smoking cigarettes. Hes had heart attacks, several stints put in, he's fought cancer and has diabetes. His feet are purple. And much more. We had to call the ambulance for him last night.

I've never seen anyone who has managed to pull this off. 

Some of y'all know that I have often felt like someone whom GOD puts with people who are dying. I have not enjoyed this, but I always help them as best I could. I really just put all things in GODS hands. I have no control of this, I just go with the flow.

Dee said something to me that floored me. She was asking me if I would "keep her brothers' oxygen thingie charged, OR is that too much to ask..." I was shocked, I didn't understand. I am always a team player and I felt insulted. I dropped what I had in my hand and went to my room. I couldn't say a word. Dee and I have been friends over 50 years. After a while of prayer and meditation I realized she was not in a very good mood, her brother being here like he was. He just didn't want to be in the hospital. I was OK with it because I figured this was a good place for him to be. 

I did manage to gather myself together and get back to what I was doing, which was emptying the garbage can. This is what I do, constantly helping others. I mean it's what GOD wants me to do. 

Not everyone is like this. 

If I could have one wish for society, it would be to have all people loving and caring about others. So many, too many people are self-centered thinking the world revolves around them, hurting others for self-gain.  But also, I am seeing in the world, good people doing GODLY things with no more thought than, 'it has to be done, and I'm going to do it' ...

I don't usually name names here, but I feel like I must point out one person out of many others who is young and smart and standing up for GOD! His name is Ben Shapiro, and he is emulating Jesus! I know he is Jewish but still he has that spirit within him that shouts Jesus! The man! I mean just WOW! 

I know that when we all emulate Jesus, it will be then that we will see the second coming of Jesus! I don't believe he will come floating out of the sky, I believe he will be coming in the SPIRIT OF GOD that will inhabit the hearts and minds of ALL the people! 

Everyone will be acting like Jesus! I can see it happening! 

The devil which is responsible for all that is wrong in the world, lies, violence, death and destruction, is trying to destroy US as GODS PEOPLE! 

I mean evil in people has been rearing its ugly head long enough. It's time we stand up for what is good and right in the world, Truth, Peace, Life, Love, building things instead of destroying things. 

One of the most horrible of things is lies. Remember 'Don't lie' is one of the 10 commandments. If you go by them, and as we know that where there is LOVE for one another, we don't lie to each other! 

But the fact that a man can 'feel' like a woman, dress and act like a woman... we are supposed to call the man a woman? Uh NO. The TRUTH being, he is a man. I read a comment today someone had said they were talking to a psychologist who said in the mental institutions they don't feed into the delusions of their patients. If a man says he's a woman, a Dr' calmly and politely tells them 'No, you're a man,' 

I am so grateful that smart people know to keep truth in play. 

It's wrong to allow someone to believe a lie. 

I was so upset when I saw Ben Shapiro talking in a group with that Jenner 'uh' person who is a man who wants us to call him a woman, and this other real woman says "it's not polite to call 'her' a man. Call her by her proper pronoun."  Did she ever see how ridiculous that sounds? And then the old Bruce Jenner said to Ben, "You better stop that, or you'll be going home in an ambulance." Jenner couldn't stand hearing the TRUTH. 

I believe this is the devil trying to confuse our children. 

It's wrong and we shouldn't be feeding into other people's delusions. It is our job to point out truth. And that is why Ben Shapiro will succeed in life because he is not going to stoop to their level.

I struggle here because I have PTSD and anxiety issues. From all that psychological warfare I suffered through. It's hard not to react to other people's actions. I used to take meds for it, but that stopped when I stopped going to clinic because of covid. So, my days are carefully planned so as not to have stress. But I do. And GOD gets me through it. Always.

I feel like it would be a waste of time to hibernate in my house away from other people. That just doesn't seem like the right thing to do. We aren't supposed to hid our candle under the table.

It helps to come here and get things off my mind, and I know you're reading! And I thank GOD for that! I feel like I have a story to tell. It's a sad story but GOD has given me blessings that I think about every day. 

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I got paid but it's going to take every dollar to pay the bills. I had no money for extras. I made Great Northern beans, which I LOVE. But then my brother-in-law who is the widower of my sister, he came in with a ham and a turkey! And some dressing his uncle had made and he cooked! My daughter in law showed up with yams, green bean casserole and a yummy fruit salad that my granddaughter had made. And there I sat. I had already made plates for Dee's brother and Mr. B., and I then got me a plate and sat down with all these people that I LOVE... And I actually cried tears of joy realizing that here I had nothing but looking around me I knew I had everything!

You see I stopped going to Thanksgiving in my 30's because of family cattiness and drama. Soon my grandfather started taking my grandmother out for Thanksgiving. It was a heavy load on my grandmother's shoulders. And I was glad to see her so pampered by my grandfather. He knew there was tension in the house. It had been years since I had a day like it was yesterday. 

Love and peace radiated the house. 

I am not one to keep my Thanks to GOD to one day a year. I Thank GOD daily! Sometimes several times a day. I am actually in constant communication with GOD!  HAHAHA

I believe that is what we do as Christians. We have a hotline to GOD! 

I feel better getting this all out. There's more but I think I have said enough for today.

I am exhausted. 

Thanking GOD for all blessings! And praying for Dee's brother.

GOD Bless US Everyone! IJCNA

The Half Dead Little Girl Inside Of Me

    It's been a minute since I've been here. But I've been sick with a head cold. 

Still am, but I need to be here. There's something on my mind. 

A couple days ago, my sister in Christ, who has 2 degrees and is extremely smart, said something to me that is now stuck in my craw.  It went something like this. 

Her: "When are you going to acknowledge and comfort that half dead little girl inside of you?"

Me: "It's easier to love others."

Her: "Let's not change the subject."

She's always forcing me to see things that I have chosen not to see.

But Good for me! Because she actually cares. And I Thank GOD for her.

The other day I heard a phrase that struck me as familiar, but I couldn't figure it out. The phrase is 'psychological warfare'. I had heard it before but never gave it a thought because I am not in the service or involved in any war. But for some reason it was haunting me. So, I went to look it up so as to have a better understanding. And when I did, WOW it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

Here's the meaning; Actions intended to reduce an opponent's morale.

From the depths of my soul, I knew what GOD was trying to tell me.

You see, I have had this in my life since I can remember. It might have been from the time they stripped us naked and beat us till we would bleed. If one got in trouble, we all got in trouble. Me being the youngest got stripped and beat for reasons I never knew. My stepdad had been in the army, where he had learned these things from. In other words, they did to us kids like they would do to the enemy.

I didn't know that I was not the enemy.   And what did he teach my mother? He would say, "You can't teach 'em anything unless you make them feel pain." The only thing it taught me was to shut up and lock myself up, somewhere inside, I would hide. 

All of my life I have lived with it. Not even knowing what it was doing to me. I do know that it's hard for me to be around other people. Or trust other people. Yet I couldn't see the red flags as I got older and married men who treated me the same. (My therapist told me I married abusive men because that was what I was used to.)  My mother used psychological warfare on me my whole life, so that when I got with men who did that, I accepted it, it was just all I've ever known. 

And even to this day, I have never been with anyone who was kind and considerate to me. I look see and know there are good men out there. I see the way they treat their wives and daughters. You see, I have never known that. Ever.

I am now going to tell you something about that half dead little girl. There's a memory in my head. I'm going to release it here, now. My mother had dropped us off at my grandmothers and my grandmother was putting us in the tub. She was taking our clothes off and seeing the bloody marks of a belt swung way too hard for way to long. She was with her mouth hanging open... looking at all the marks all over us. she started crying. I looked at her... I was about 3 and didn't talk yet but I remember my thoughts. I felt so sad for her... wondering why she was crying... weeping actually... and I thought, 'why is she crying now? She should have been there when it was going on, now that was the time to cry!' 

I can remember hearing her wailing to my grandfather... "That woman should be locked up!" 

But my mother was her child, and like most mothers it's hard to believe that you gave birth to such a monster. Looking back, I don't blame her for not rushing us to the hospital. My mother had told her if she ever told anyone, she would take us kids away and they, my grandparents, would NEVER see us again. I remember thinking that I would find my way back to them. But in reality, had my mother done that I probably would not have found my way back to my grandparents. 

See? My mother was using psychological warfare on my grandparents too! 

Now, I dream about how life would have been if I would have had normal parents. I never knew my dad as a child, and I do feel like he neglected me. Looking back, I feel like he was never my dad. He was always someone else's dad. Never had time for me. Never sent me a birthday present or a Christmas present. Not even a Christmas card, or Birthday cards. I guess he never really thought about me at all.  

He never did the terrible things my mother did, but he was never there for me. 

I often dream of being a child in a house with a good father. You see, this is where GOD comes in representing a 'good father'. GOD as my Father taught me how to LOVE all proper like. It was Jesus who taught me to raise my children up with something better than what my mother had for me. 

In fact, I remember thinking... "when I grow up, I will NEVER treat me kids like that!"

And ya know what? My kids love me more than I have ever been loved in my whole life. HAHAHA I'm crying here and laughing at the same time thinking about if you hurt me, my son's going to hurt you! Not that that would be right, just that he loves me with that much emotion.

Yes, I am grateful to GOD for fixing my personal space to include people who love me and who treat me well. I can't put into words how I feel when my daughter in law sends one or two of my grandkids to bring me hot food! My daughter and her family live about 40 minutes away, and still makes time to bring my other grandkids to see me and boy let me say I have never been so loved in all my life! When they're all here together! That is my heaven!

And what happened to that little girl inside? Well, I have her on my lap now, eating strawberries and cream and I have been carrying her on my hip, ever since my sister in Christ pointed her out to me.

It's not too late to save her. Now that I see her, as I present her here to you today!

And with the spirit of GOD that inhabits my heart and soul... I will!

GOD Bless US Everyone! IJCNA

A Profound Moment

     I was at the postal center the other day.

Something amazing happened that I was so happy to have witnessed!

The lady behind the counter was white. 

A black lady came in and noticed a picture behind the counter and asked about it...  the white lady explained it was her grandson. 

The black lady responded with a huge smile and said, "Our grandsons are the same color!" 

You see the white lady's grandson was half black... and the black lady's grandson was half white!

The room went quiet as we all thought about this amazing thing! 

See? We're not so different after all!

GOD Bless US Everyone! IJCNA