The Half Dead Little Girl Inside Of Me

    It's been a minute since I've been here. But I've been sick with a head cold. 

Still am, but I need to be here. There's something on my mind. 

A couple days ago, my sister in Christ, who has 2 degrees and is extremely smart, said something to me that is now stuck in my craw.  It went something like this. 

Her: "When are you going to acknowledge and comfort that half dead little girl inside of you?"

Me: "It's easier to love others."

Her: "Let's not change the subject."

She's always forcing me to see things that I have chosen not to see.

But Good for me! Because she actually cares. And I Thank GOD for her.

The other day I heard a phrase that struck me as familiar, but I couldn't figure it out. The phrase is 'psychological warfare'. I had heard it before but never gave it a thought because I am not in the service or involved in any war. But for some reason it was haunting me. So, I went to look it up so as to have a better understanding. And when I did, WOW it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

Here's the meaning; Actions intended to reduce an opponent's morale.

From the depths of my soul, I knew what GOD was trying to tell me.

You see, I have had this in my life since I can remember. It might have been from the time they stripped us naked and beat us till we would bleed. If one got in trouble, we all got in trouble. Me being the youngest got stripped and beat for reasons I never knew. My stepdad had been in the army, where he had learned these things from. In other words, they did to us kids like they would do to the enemy.

I didn't know that I was not the enemy.   And what did he teach my mother? He would say, "You can't teach 'em anything unless you make them feel pain." The only thing it taught me was to shut up and lock myself up, somewhere inside, I would hide. 

All of my life I have lived with it. Not even knowing what it was doing to me. I do know that it's hard for me to be around other people. Or trust other people. Yet I couldn't see the red flags as I got older and married men who treated me the same. (My therapist told me I married abusive men because that was what I was used to.)  My mother used psychological warfare on me my whole life, so that when I got with men who did that, I accepted it, it was just all I've ever known. 

And even to this day, I have never been with anyone who was kind and considerate to me. I look see and know there are good men out there. I see the way they treat their wives and daughters. You see, I have never known that. Ever.

I am now going to tell you something about that half dead little girl. There's a memory in my head. I'm going to release it here, now. My mother had dropped us off at my grandmothers and my grandmother was putting us in the tub. She was taking our clothes off and seeing the bloody marks of a belt swung way too hard for way to long. She was with her mouth hanging open... looking at all the marks all over us. she started crying. I looked at her... I was about 3 and didn't talk yet but I remember my thoughts. I felt so sad for her... wondering why she was crying... weeping actually... and I thought, 'why is she crying now? She should have been there when it was going on, now that was the time to cry!' 

I can remember hearing her wailing to my grandfather... "That woman should be locked up!" 

But my mother was her child, and like most mothers it's hard to believe that you gave birth to such a monster. Looking back, I don't blame her for not rushing us to the hospital. My mother had told her if she ever told anyone, she would take us kids away and they, my grandparents, would NEVER see us again. I remember thinking that I would find my way back to them. But in reality, had my mother done that I probably would not have found my way back to my grandparents. 

See? My mother was using psychological warfare on my grandparents too! 

Now, I dream about how life would have been if I would have had normal parents. I never knew my dad as a child, and I do feel like he neglected me. Looking back, I feel like he was never my dad. He was always someone else's dad. Never had time for me. Never sent me a birthday present or a Christmas present. Not even a Christmas card, or Birthday cards. I guess he never really thought about me at all.  

He never did the terrible things my mother did, but he was never there for me. 

I often dream of being a child in a house with a good father. You see, this is where GOD comes in representing a 'good father'. GOD as my Father taught me how to LOVE all proper like. It was Jesus who taught me to raise my children up with something better than what my mother had for me. 

In fact, I remember thinking... "when I grow up, I will NEVER treat me kids like that!"

And ya know what? My kids love me more than I have ever been loved in my whole life. HAHAHA I'm crying here and laughing at the same time thinking about if you hurt me, my son's going to hurt you! Not that that would be right, just that he loves me with that much emotion.

Yes, I am grateful to GOD for fixing my personal space to include people who love me and who treat me well. I can't put into words how I feel when my daughter in law sends one or two of my grandkids to bring me hot food! My daughter and her family live about 40 minutes away, and still makes time to bring my other grandkids to see me and boy let me say I have never been so loved in all my life! When they're all here together! That is my heaven!

And what happened to that little girl inside? Well, I have her on my lap now, eating strawberries and cream and I have been carrying her on my hip, ever since my sister in Christ pointed her out to me.

It's not too late to save her. Now that I see her, as I present her here to you today!

And with the spirit of GOD that inhabits my heart and soul... I will!

GOD Bless US Everyone! IJCNA