Feelings For My Father

 So often I have thoughts I want to get in here to post. The worst thing is an unwritten thought. I mean for me. The worst thing for you might be something different. I've been dealing with lots of emotions lately. Its not been fun. OK, my biological father died a week ago today and I have been going through hell trying to figure out these feelings. The loss of what? I never knew him as a dad. He and my mother divorced by the time I was 1 and he went on to have another family. And another... and another.

He was never apart of my life. I remember being very small and being with his second wife and my 2 brothers. They had a pony and we spent time outdoors and had dinner and went home. I don't even remember my dad being there. Then I remember about 7 he and his 3rd wife came over with my uncle and his 1st wife and spent a little time on the couch, more into each other than me. 

I don't remember anything after that except when I was 12 my older sister had gone to dads and I went too. He worked, he was hardly ever home. He rented the house from his boss. But it was cool, we had horses and I spent a lot of my time out with them. He was with his 3rd wife and their first 2 children. I really felt left out, except my time with the horses... my favorite was a blond palomino named Rebel.  We used to go to the back 500 acres, passing through 2 gates and rode into the trees. There was a road to ride on so it wasn't like I was fighting a forest. And in the middle there was a small creek, I would stop and get off and spend time singing and listening, to nature! It was one of the best memories of my life. 

But it didn't last long, I only saw them loving on the girls. I didn't feel apart of the family. I went back to my grandparents, dealing with life was hard... my grandparents were good people but we could tell we were an inconvenience... but I did feel better with them. They were the only normalcy in my life. I had a very special relationship with them throughout my life so it was all good!

I would go see my dad and his other family on occasion, but there was no birthday or Christmas from him. He did that with his other kids. But I saw him here and there as an adult. But he was always someone else's dad, I felt like a stranger most times and just had to leave asap.

We had countless step dads, that's an awful story in itself, better left for another day.

So he died... and my main thought is how can you loose something you never had???

I am sure my half siblings and step siblings are by now wondering why I haven't been about them... but I can't seem to find the power within to go do all that with them. And with all the 'covid crap' I guess some would say I shouldn't be going anywhere. His 4th wife has his ashes and is taking them to the hunting grounds that he loved so much. And that's all fine and good, I do feel a certain sadness about his passing, but I haven't lost 'my father'.

Which brings me to my spiritual Father and feeling secure with my soul and the relationship I have with HIM. And I PRAISE GOD for that! It is the most important relationship by far!

Many times I have thoughts of pain and anger that my dad never gave a care about me. I think now, it was normal for him to prefer the current family of the time. But GOD never meant for it to be like that.

You know the problem was they never knew GOD, because if they had, they would not of gotten all caught up in their young lust, before being able to take care of the LOVE part 1st. They didn't know the difference between lust and love. 

These thoughts open my mind to a whole world of problems, because...

Its not just me, there are many, many kids who grow up without a father and really must find their own father figure, a coach/teacher or a priest/preacher or uncle/grandpa. Some have none of those, they quit school, they don't go to church and they have no family because this issue has been going on for hundreds of years and no one has actually stopped it! We can't without cooperation.

We know that there is something very special between a kid and their father, ask anyone who has a good dad! Which is good to know there are still many good fathers, but that doesn't do the harm. The harm is done when there is not a good father but a bad one, or just the lack of one. 

My parents were not religious. They were of the generation that took GOD out of our system. I Thank GOD and PRAISE GOD for still having places where one could find GOD. 

Or not...

The problem there is some places become big business and loose the spirit even tho they pretend to have the spirit. Its really hard to tell the difference, but time always exposes the truth/reality of the corruption and its always GODS PEOPLE who do the discovering... because we are the ones who keep HIS WORDS alive and respected!

You see long long ago many millions of years, a very highly intelligent man/men got together and created 'words of wisdom' and we today call it The Bible! Of course there are lots and lots more books now that are good to learn of GODS Spirit, but we should all know the beginning of it.

All of our worldly problems would be solved if we all knew about Jesus and GODS PEOPLE! How can we stop all the daughters from having a child pregnancy? We need to teach them to carry the SPIRIT within and learn the old laws have a purpose! But its not to continue to sacrifice for sin, Jesus was the final sacrifice for mans sins. We now teach them about the LOVE of Jesus and keep them bound to the GOOD WORD of GOD!

It tells us before hand what could go wrong. If you don't teach your daughters to respect themselves in GODS care, she will fall for the lusts of the flesh. There is a difference between lust and love and she should be taught the truth of it. Remember in the beginning how the one spoke to eve and told her if she ate the frit she would have her eyes open as GOD? Knowing the difference between good and evil???

I'm saying this is a long over due exposure!

But most people can't handle the truth.

I can barely handle my truth... so ummm, I got a group message from my halves and steps and they are collecting money for the funeral home. Well, I never had him as a dad... he was always someone else's dad, he didn't ever come about for me. And now... I am living in debt and in poverty, I worked every day of the year and made 14,400. and some change. I cant even pay my taxes this year... 

Is there someone who can help me?

GOD keeps me going and the Apostles stories keeps me going and knowing that many people in the world are struggling. It sure would be different if the spirit of Jesus was leading and guiding ALL of US! 

Can you imagine a world with all of us all running around emulating Jesus?

No hate or war no corruption and people working to help others, not hurt them.

It sure would be a better place! So lets work on that, Eh?

Until later... 

GOD Bless US Everyone, IJCNA

Worldly Thoughts Part 2

Hello, Dear Friends... This blog is a continuation of the last one. I have really been studying myself. 

Isn't that what we do? Examine ourselves? 

I have been so depressed over wanting to be somebody else. Struggling with my reality of growing up in hell and learning as I go.    I remember before my Grandfather passed, (a very GODLY man). He said to me... "Find GOD!" What a simple thing! 

Now I know myself, the reality of GOD! 

And HE always comes through for me. 

I talked to a couple people about my pain of wanting to be someone else. Every time I saw someone who had LIFE together, I wanted to be them. But the one thing to consider is no matter what it looks like on the outside, we cant know the inside. Unless PEOPLE talk about it! If they don't lie to try to manipulate you, you can learn a lesson in their truth.

And I Thank GOD for all the good, GODLY people in the world. 

Here lately I have discovered more TRUTH... It's OK to admire people, It is great that there are so many people who are good GODLY people! The ones I call PPP... (Practically Perfect People) I hope that by the time I am ready to pass I will be one too! I'm working on it daily!

So, Its OK to admire other people... but we should never have any idols or icons above GOD. I mean that's an old rule I know, but it still has purpose. And what do we do? LOVE GODS PEOPLE... GOD IS LOVE... LOVE is the most important thing... not a self love... I mean there is that, but we are not supposed to think of ourselves as the most worthy. Look at what happens to people when they get all arrogant and cocky. They become corrupt, selfish, able to murder for self gain... or self pride. 

We are living in the last days... but we must know its the last days of what we know it as... GOD has promised us a new world where evil has been banished to remain in hell. And the world becomes a beautiful majestic wonderment because no one is going around seeking to harm or hate.

Funny how many people want you to think they are so Holy but their inside is full of chaos and mayhem and violence, brought on by hate. And hate is NOT of GOD. So THE PEOPLE now have the ability to spread the GOOD news all around the world, its time for all to see the evil and where it comes from and how to deal with it. And that is, to NOT CHOOSE the evil paths for any reason. (Most people do it for self gain or glory of their flesh). 

GOD gives US a choice... CHOOSE GOD because then, you have the HOLY Ghost to lead and guide you... the Holy Ghost is THE SPIRIT of GOD and all HIS PEOPLE! It is nothing you have to go to... its something you find WITHIN your own self! Its GODS gift of GOODNESS for us when we stand up for TRUTH and JUSTICE 4ALL, not fall for those damn demons who are trying to take you down the wrong path. 

I wish I could show you the whole picture in my head. But do you see, the world is again choosing Barabbas over Jesus? Jesus teaches us to be kind and helpful and meek, we know of the JOY of the Lord when we feel so excited, we're about to POP (like an over ripe tomato).

I feel stronger today! During my quest for the understanding of my pain, I asked GOD, "Why? What?" And GOD said in his vast wisdom, "MY Child, if you were someone else, who would be U?" And frankly, I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone else. So I take what I learned and get on with it. 

And if I died tomorrow, I am at peace, I have home and family... People who when they smile at me, I can see the genuine LOVE in their eyes. You see, I feel like we should all be emulating Jesus! And you should know that Jesus was not a bum who would hang out at weddings to party, he was a carpenter... A handy man who could build and fix things! 

And now he can fix US by everyone learning about Jesus! You don't have to start with the old testament, we are not under that old law anymore! Jesus was the final sacrifice for sin and GOD ripped the veil away from old traditions and gave us the Holy Ghost for the life of Jesus. Read about the man Jesus, it starts with Matthew and Mark, but the thing is its 2 men writing the same story and even Luke and John, these men knew Jesus best, read their words and soon U2 will be filled with the Holy Ghost, and it ain't nobodies business, its a relationship between U and GOD... so we mind ourselves when GOD teaches us lessons... and let me say, its good to know that ALL GODS CHILDREN are in this together!

And the Word says WE WILL WIN...

Look at how people are hating on TRUMP? Do you see how certain people are like common sheep following the one who bellows the loudest? This is a great lesson for THE PEOPLE... 

We must not allow HATE to take over our senses. Lord, people I have admired for years allowing hate to overcome their mouth, it breaks my heart. You know that the Devil, Satan, demons, whatever you want to label him as, is trying to tear down our Great Republic... the evil in the world has been trying to take over for a very long time and it looks pretty bad from my point of view. 

Deception, violence and ugly attitudes has got to go. 

We are a GOOD GODLY PEOPLE and we will fight the evil corruption and we will stand together even when its scary... GODS PEOPLE will win in the end and the evil will go away if we all know Jesus can banish it!

Doesn't matter, rich or poor, black, white, red or yellow... WE ARE The Children of GOD... WE don't allow TRUTH or Justice to become corrupt and if you are being corrupt... GODS gonna get you in the end. Give up the bad and reach for the GOOD in LIFE!

WE ALL have the potential to be, Practically Perfect People!

Choose wisely, or you will lose more than the world when you pass.

I see GOD working in the people who will overturn the mess we're in.

GOD Bless US, Everyone, IJCNA