Feelings For My Father

 So often I have thoughts I want to get in here to post. The worst thing is an unwritten thought. I mean for me. The worst thing for you might be something different. I've been dealing with lots of emotions lately. Its not been fun. OK, my biological father died a week ago today and I have been going through hell trying to figure out these feelings. The loss of what? I never knew him as a dad. He and my mother divorced by the time I was 1 and he went on to have another family. And another... and another.

He was never apart of my life. I remember being very small and being with his second wife and my 2 brothers. They had a pony and we spent time outdoors and had dinner and went home. I don't even remember my dad being there. Then I remember about 7 he and his 3rd wife came over with my uncle and his 1st wife and spent a little time on the couch, more into each other than me. 

I don't remember anything after that except when I was 12 my older sister had gone to dads and I went too. He worked, he was hardly ever home. He rented the house from his boss. But it was cool, we had horses and I spent a lot of my time out with them. He was with his 3rd wife and their first 2 children. I really felt left out, except my time with the horses... my favorite was a blond palomino named Rebel.  We used to go to the back 500 acres, passing through 2 gates and rode into the trees. There was a road to ride on so it wasn't like I was fighting a forest. And in the middle there was a small creek, I would stop and get off and spend time singing and listening, to nature! It was one of the best memories of my life. 

But it didn't last long, I only saw them loving on the girls. I didn't feel apart of the family. I went back to my grandparents, dealing with life was hard... my grandparents were good people but we could tell we were an inconvenience... but I did feel better with them. They were the only normalcy in my life. I had a very special relationship with them throughout my life so it was all good!

I would go see my dad and his other family on occasion, but there was no birthday or Christmas from him. He did that with his other kids. But I saw him here and there as an adult. But he was always someone else's dad, I felt like a stranger most times and just had to leave asap.

We had countless step dads, that's an awful story in itself, better left for another day.

So he died... and my main thought is how can you loose something you never had???

I am sure my half siblings and step siblings are by now wondering why I haven't been about them... but I can't seem to find the power within to go do all that with them. And with all the 'covid crap' I guess some would say I shouldn't be going anywhere. His 4th wife has his ashes and is taking them to the hunting grounds that he loved so much. And that's all fine and good, I do feel a certain sadness about his passing, but I haven't lost 'my father'.

Which brings me to my spiritual Father and feeling secure with my soul and the relationship I have with HIM. And I PRAISE GOD for that! It is the most important relationship by far!

Many times I have thoughts of pain and anger that my dad never gave a care about me. I think now, it was normal for him to prefer the current family of the time. But GOD never meant for it to be like that.

You know the problem was they never knew GOD, because if they had, they would not of gotten all caught up in their young lust, before being able to take care of the LOVE part 1st. They didn't know the difference between lust and love. 

These thoughts open my mind to a whole world of problems, because...

Its not just me, there are many, many kids who grow up without a father and really must find their own father figure, a coach/teacher or a priest/preacher or uncle/grandpa. Some have none of those, they quit school, they don't go to church and they have no family because this issue has been going on for hundreds of years and no one has actually stopped it! We can't without cooperation.

We know that there is something very special between a kid and their father, ask anyone who has a good dad! Which is good to know there are still many good fathers, but that doesn't do the harm. The harm is done when there is not a good father but a bad one, or just the lack of one. 

My parents were not religious. They were of the generation that took GOD out of our system. I Thank GOD and PRAISE GOD for still having places where one could find GOD. 

Or not...

The problem there is some places become big business and loose the spirit even tho they pretend to have the spirit. Its really hard to tell the difference, but time always exposes the truth/reality of the corruption and its always GODS PEOPLE who do the discovering... because we are the ones who keep HIS WORDS alive and respected!

You see long long ago many millions of years, a very highly intelligent man/men got together and created 'words of wisdom' and we today call it The Bible! Of course there are lots and lots more books now that are good to learn of GODS Spirit, but we should all know the beginning of it.

All of our worldly problems would be solved if we all knew about Jesus and GODS PEOPLE! How can we stop all the daughters from having a child pregnancy? We need to teach them to carry the SPIRIT within and learn the old laws have a purpose! But its not to continue to sacrifice for sin, Jesus was the final sacrifice for mans sins. We now teach them about the LOVE of Jesus and keep them bound to the GOOD WORD of GOD!

It tells us before hand what could go wrong. If you don't teach your daughters to respect themselves in GODS care, she will fall for the lusts of the flesh. There is a difference between lust and love and she should be taught the truth of it. Remember in the beginning how the one spoke to eve and told her if she ate the frit she would have her eyes open as GOD? Knowing the difference between good and evil???

I'm saying this is a long over due exposure!

But most people can't handle the truth.

I can barely handle my truth... so ummm, I got a group message from my halves and steps and they are collecting money for the funeral home. Well, I never had him as a dad... he was always someone else's dad, he didn't ever come about for me. And now... I am living in debt and in poverty, I worked every day of the year and made 14,400. and some change. I cant even pay my taxes this year... 

Is there someone who can help me?

GOD keeps me going and the Apostles stories keeps me going and knowing that many people in the world are struggling. It sure would be different if the spirit of Jesus was leading and guiding ALL of US! 

Can you imagine a world with all of us all running around emulating Jesus?

No hate or war no corruption and people working to help others, not hurt them.

It sure would be a better place! So lets work on that, Eh?

Until later... 

GOD Bless US Everyone, IJCNA