Blessed by GOD, to be loud and proud of what is good and right and true! GOD bless us, Everyone! IJCNA

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Struggling Again

I keep hanging in there. Trying not to be to discouraged. I tell everyone, DON'T TRUST ANYONE.

I don't understand the way of the people in the world. They are so narrow minded. And full of hate and resentment. They cant seem to understand that LOVE is the way to go. So many songs and TV shows and movies depict selfish evil people who have no direction in this world except self gratification. But for me, I am standing on the word of GOD. Standing strong on what I believe in. Love. Forgiveness. Joy. Peace.

I am trying to learn to live in the now. I believe it will help me with the anxiety. I still suffer with it. I still have insomnia. But I know I can live with it. Sometimes I get really angry. Resenting that some people have no care in them to see beyond their own noses. So many hateful, angry words try to escape my mouth. But in my way I stop them. I know that one day this will all be different. As my dear Great Aunt Edie used to say, "Just sit still, life always changes, nothing ever stays the same." These words have become my mantra. Every night when I lay down, I pray for justice. I pray for my enemies. I pray that someday GOD finds them and shows them the way of truth.

What a pity that the world is full of angry hateful people who will never find peace within their own soul. I pray every night that I never allow these people to get to me, to make me fall down to their level of understanding. In my heart I don't believe I ever will. But you know, we are never supposed to say never. Never get to cocky. Never think we are above others. However, my Grandparents used to tell me, whenever other people got me down. "Rise above it." they would recite. "Do better." Not that I am better, but I certainly can do better. I will not allow anyone to take away my joy no matter how much I am persecuted... no matter what evil they inflict on me.

My joy is alive in my heart. When I see my beautiful grand children, my joy supersedes any feeling of down heartedness I may have. The sparkle in their eyes, the smiles on their faces, the innocence of their spirit. Oh... Joe, Aryes, Bree... never allow anyone to bring you down. Never let them push you off your course. Never allow them to fill you with hatred or violence. Always remember, my life is joyous and remarkable because you are in it.

It has really been hard. I have hated. Ohhhh, I have hated more than you could ever know. But in reflection, it was more than that. It was a disappointment in mankind that made the disruption of my life so wrong. I may be a pacifist, but I am holding my own against idiot people who swarm this world. It has just made me more reclusive. A better actress. Laughing and smiling, while inside I fight against the sadness and despair that I feel every day as I am being put in a category where I don't belong. Just because it was someones opinion that I should go there.

The truth is, I am free. Free to be me. Free to believe what I believe no matter what anyone tells me to believe. They are just saying what they have been programmed to say, like robots. Where have all the free thinkers gone? Am I the only one who can see that life is so messed up? Surely that cant be so. Surely with all the people in this world, there are some who know the truth is that we live in a backwards society. Of course there is. I have seen many postings and writings of the same. We do live in a backwards world. It goes beyond all understanding. Beyond all reasoning.

I am laughed at. Made fun of. And I endure. I live. As one who can see the truth, can see beyond what is programmed in us in our informative years. Yes, I am a flower child. Yes, I do believe that cannabis should be free, it grows from a seed. I have never understood how man has made a law against something that grows from a seed. I could go to the DR and get all sorts of prescriptions that would help me to sleep, help me to mask my anxiety. But it is not what I want to do. I am not fond of taking man made chemicals. I believe it is some sort of conspiracy. There are so many problems that could be solved if they made cannabis legal to grow in our gardens. But then, people would stop taking the man made pills. The pharmacutical companies would lose out on monies that they donate to politicians. Where did we go wrong? Why do we trust these man made chemicals more than what GOD has given to us in the earth? There is an old saying. GOD made cannabis, man made chemicals... who do you trust?

Trust no man. Trust no one.

Even in class, another student said in privacy, "As much as the teachers want us to believe they are on our side, they will stab us in the back when they are talking behind our backs." I know. I stand on the truth of trusting no one. This bothers me somewhat because you want to trust certain people. You want to believe in someone who says they love you. And maybe there are some in this life that can trust. I believe my son can trust his wife. I believe Ann can trust Bruce. I believe Rita can trust Bonnie. I believe Chris can trust Rachel.

But for me. Being alone. I trust no one. Even my daughter has lied to me. My best friend has lied to me. I think the person I trust the most is Sharon. And also, there is Juanita. Always these friends have shown that they are trustworthy. So I think there are certain people we can trust. But for the most part. Even when you think you can trust people. There are only a small few who actually deserve your trust.

Another thing my Great Aunt Edie taught me... is, that in a lifetime, you can count your true friends on one hand. I used to not understand that, I thought I had many friends whom I could trust. But over the years, many have proven that I cannot.

Life is so full of change. And I believe that one day I will let someone close. I have long term goals. Plans to keep GOD as my focus point. And I want to say here, J.B... thank you for being my friend. I count you as one of my true friends. Someone who wont let me down. You have been so good to me. Listened to me whine, heard my silent tears. And you always have a way to pull me out of my slump. I love the way you lift my spirit with GODs promises. You have become very special in my life when I thought there would be no more love. You have shown me, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Have let me know that you are there for me. I am really looking forward to a new life with you by my side.

So to end this blog today, here is the tag... Trust no man... But also know, there are a small few that you can trust. And it is imperative to know which is which. It is very hard to learn how to do this. And even then, you could be wrong. Just keep people at arms length. Keep the spirit of peace in your heart and trust GOD for guidance and you too will survive.