THE TOUCH OF MAN

Well, I did it again. And I am suffering for it. It was my own fault. I have only myself to blame. I pass no fault to others. It is not the first time, but hopefully it will be the last. I don't know why I feel like I need a man by my side in order to have a better life. I am doing good alone, helpful to many of the ones who seek special knowledge that I can help them find, through the GOD whom I serve. And I have the freedom to be here for whomever needs me. Sometimes in the middle of the night, someone will come over, needing a friend, a shoulder and a few words of comfort. I am there for them. I listen and I give good advice. They feel like they are not alone. This is my purpose.

I believe all my X husbands would not like this habit of mine. My neighbors have even noticed there are lots of people coming and going. They speculate and wonder. But I have been in this neighborhood for over 40 years and I know many many people. I have many many friends. A couple who deserve special mention here... Kelly, you have some special moves there, thank you for being my friend! And Korey, who works so diligently for Reeves All-Pro Roofing and Construction... you are so sweet and I appreciate all your help! Thank you for being my friend!

So why do I, even tho I have many who love me, feel so alone? Even tho' GOD is right here feeling a little dissed by my need to feel loved in the physical sense, I feel alone. Craving the gentle touch and soft caresses that I have known during the good times. But it has also been that every time someone loved me, it was a bad thing. I spent years telling myself I don't want anyone to love me, its to much for me to handle. And I know that because I was abused as a child, I grew up to marry men who abused me too. And I associated that abuse with love. But it was all wrong. And still, I keep thinking that someday someone will love me and it will be a good thing.

I have enjoyed the company of the 20somethings and 30somethings... but that is only them satisfying their own needs as they attempt to satisfy mine. It is not considered to be anything serious. I have enjoyed meeting so many way cool people. I have only had a couple mishaps. Which has not deterred me from meeting people to talk to about the serious issues of life. And along the way I have met a handful of awesome people who are real and who really care. Sal S., David V., Chris F. you guys have taught me a lot about myself, thank you for being my friend! I will always love you guys!

GOD keeps reminding me that I am doing good alone. I have read my Bible seven times over... well, not Numbers, once was enough for Numbers. And other parts I have read a thousand times over. GOD has given me good guidance and knowledge to help others in their dark times. And I do know that I am doing good when I share what I have learned with others.

My daughter will soon be 18 and it has always been in my mind that when she grew up and didn't need me anymore I thought that I would find a best friend/lover whom I could feel the real intimacy with. Someone who would get so close. Someone who would need me as much as I would need him. Someone funny and smart who would be good to me. But...

I have made so many sacrifices in my life. Concentrating on the kids and the house. Altho' I cant do the home repairs that a man could do. I still struggle alone and it has been for a long time now. Not letting anyone close has become a habit. And I have become pretty good at it, I can chase a man off pretty darn quickly.

I am thinking that I am just to old to be thinking I will find someone and have the true love that is wasted on the young. Feel the closeness that soft whispers in the night can bring. And I have pondered this for days now... and its just not reasonable. Cause you know the guys who are forty something wants girls in their 20's and 30's. And they can get them. There are lots of them out there, ready to party and have a good time.

And now... I realize that the facts are facing me pretty darn good these days. I can think these thoughts and get through them like I need to do. After all, I did promise to be there for the kids. And I sure did that! And then some. People who know me know that I pamper my daughter in ways that I am able. Oh, not in material things. But in the things I do for her. Like pick her clothes up off the floor and wash and dry them and fold them and put them away for her. I cook for her and I clean her messes. And I set my alarm and get up before she does to help get her together for the bus. Oh yes, and I do stand outside in the garage/driveway and wait for her bus for her, so she can 'do her thing'... and when I see the bus coming, I call to her. Yes, shes really gonna miss me someday... lol... but I know that she will be OK and so will I.

So now I am going to just plan on cleaning the house and selling things I don't need. I will plan on enjoying my time alone. If it is GODS will that I be alone and not have a real man in my life.... just this thought brings tears to my eyes. I look back on the men who were in my life and how they were not real men, they all took and stole and hurt my soul in ways that are undescribable in this post here today.There has not been one responsible 'real man' who would take responsibility and time to care for the things that mattered in my life. It was all about them. What they could get. They didn't even care about the kids as much as they cared about themselves. My daughters father wore gold on every finger and wrist and had several necklaces. I once told him that that was how he valued himself. I really don't think he understood.

Well, my point here tonight is... how can I miss something that I never had?

My only warm fuzzy here is that both of my children have good strong healthy loving relationships. At least, I taught them what true love is. And I believe they will continue teaching it to their children. And I want them to always remember, I never chose a man over them. Never put myself above them. Even tho it was a sacrifice of the heart.

I say this because when I was young, I had so many men floundering at my feet. So many men I had pushed away because I only had time for my kids. I could of had a good man. But I pushed him away. And now... I am middle aged. My face is falling... along with the mams... my toes are widening along with my waistline. I am not the young girl I once was. I will never be that girl again. Its so strange how sometimes inside we still feel young, but taking one look in the mirror snaps ya back to reality. So I have to stop living in denial. Let that dream go in my life. I must realize that there is more in life than to have a special person touch you with loving actions that tingles on deep down to the heart and soul.

I think my final thought on this tonight... is... I want my children and grand children to know the sacrifice was worth it. And I would do it all over again for the love that I have been able to instill in you. I am so proud that you have learned this most important lesson in life...

LOVE ONE ANOTHER... for in loving one another...

You fulfill GODS law.