My Family, In Retrospect.

I have sure taken my time about getting here with this post. It has been in the thinking stages for two weeks now. Of course I was nudged a bit by GOD to get the past two posts posted first. So now that I have followed HIS orders, I can get on with a post of my own.

It is a post about the events on the weekend of the 5th and 6th of this month of April.

Everyone who knows me knows I am frugal to the bone, I can even create money out of paper! (this trick is done through cutting coupons! Don't be embarrassed to use them, the places you are taking them to WANT you to use the coupons! They even pay to have them sent out to you... what else are they going to do with all their extra millions other than the best thing... customer satisfaction by giving it back to us!!)

OK, now... well, back to my weekend 2 weeks ago... I rented a vehicle! I figured the end result would be worth it for my children and Grandchildren to see their Great Grand Parents... or maybe that's really the other way around... maybe the Great Grandparents were more excited about seeing the Great Grand babies!

The whole weekend went great!
The vehicle rental... 200 bucks... the gas... 60.
The visits... PRICELESS!!!

We left Saturday the 5th, it was not a rushed thing, we all got up and got ready at ease, looking forward to the trip! My son and I went to get the van that carried 7 people! It was great! The first day, Jay had to work so he couldn't go, which was GODS way of making it easy to get the rocking chair that my mom took for my niece. It was originally mine and Estelle's so now that I have 2 grand children, I was really looking forward to getting that old rocking chair! If Jay had gone with us, I would of insisted on tying the chair to the rack on top of the mini van. And I have to say the van was great... lets here it for KIA.. We all rode in comfort and saved on gas too!

It was really exceptionally great for me because with Shawndra sitting between the 2 babies, I had the honor of the front passenger seat with my son acting as chauffeur ! The view was great! And what made it even MORE pleasant for me was the fact no one smoked! That was really SUPER GREAT! (I am reminded of talking to a friend 2 days ago, she had gone to MO in the back woods to visit family after the death of her father. She said they all smoked cigarettes in the house which even she, at her home, goes outside to smoke. She said you couldn't even breath, which I remember that well as a child when it was legal to smoke in public places and in some restaurants and homes the air was thick with it. It was awful, I would go outside to avoid it) so the ride was a little over an hour. We waved to Nanny and PawPaw like they always said we would, this is true, they had their funerals planned and paid for and knew exactly where they were going to be buried and they told us for years that we would be driving by and waving at them! So now whenever we drive up 59N we always wave out at Forest Park and give out a holler! I hope they are laughing at us acting so silly like that, but we know that silly things are often the best things life has in store for us!

To get to my moms house you have to get off of 59N past Cleveland, TX. You have to take a few turns and go out in the piny woods where she can actually run around naked and no one will ever see her. She has a 1/2 wolf dog who is young and alert and greeted us with several many barks! She is so off the beaten path she is alone in her world of peace and quiet and clean... WOW... that was something I loved to see! A clean house. This is not new for my mother because she has always been a good house keeper! Not as good of a cook as my Grandmother, this info from my childhood of many nights of liver and onions, but that day she made some Goulash and it was the BEST ever! This has always been a dish she was very good at! And of course there was sweet tea all around!

I really love to go to my mothers because her house is built on pillars, up high like a tree house, balconies on three sides! You have to get past the dog to get up there! lol.... I pity the fool who even attempts to pass that dog with laced meat... my mother is a legal card carrying pistol
packing great grand momma!

We had a great time, stayed about 4 hours. My mother is so cool about letting the kids go out on her porch to smoke. Even I went out to enjoy the moment... the fresh air... all those trees! Everywhere you look there is trees and more trees! Can never say my mother cant see the forest for the trees... for she in planted right in the middle of it!

Knowing that she was introduced to violence with her second husband and knowing she lived in a violent situation for many years with my 4th step father... (the violent stories will be talked about in my autobio I am still working on, 'My Search For Normalcy'). Well.. she lived with horrific violence many years herself, once he twisted her arm around backwards and karate chopped it... broke it really bad. And she lied to the hospital, told them she fell out of the truck. (how can you respect a liar?) Well, we didn't discuss all that. She doesn't like to remember the bad times. But I am just stating this here for the memory of it. We did however discuss the night when we lived out in West Fargo... when the evil 4th husband of hers got all drunk and I couldn't get the cat out from under the bed before we had to run off to hide in the laundry mat until he passed out. When we got back, we found the cat dirty and in pain... he had ground the cats face in the dirt. She didn't remember and said, she prefers not to remember.

Little by little over the years my mother and I have come to a mutual peace. Growing up, the things she did. I have to say I didn't respect her for it. I mean I did verbally cause we would be beat if we didn't, but in my heart and mind I didn't like her. Of course I always loved her for being my mom and the occasional good thing she did. But I did my best to stay away. So now, I am able to get through all that old baggage... because altho we kids suffered for 10 years or longer... she suffered for 13 or longer. Can you imagine her staying with a man for 13 years who beat and abused her to the point of vicious violence? The sex must of been pretty darn good for her to stay that long.

OK, well back to better times. Before you know it we were all tired and ready to go. Pictures had been taken and hugs given all around. And we left her to her peace and quiet as we took our whiny messy babies home! The ride home was nice... looking at the rocking chair in the seat made me feel so happy. It now sits next to a small cradle in the TV room. I will use a lot when Shawndra goes back to work tomorrow, April the 21st. She will go back with steady hours of 10AM to 5PM Monday through Friday.

I now do, have genuine love and respect for my mother, because... finally at her age... the pleasantly pleasing age of 39 (so she claims... lol... I say NOT) she has finally grown out of her adolescence! I always thought that was my mothers problem in her life. She never grew up past 17! Well, I am here to say she finally has grown up. And I am sure she was slightly melancholy as we left. Sad to see us go, but happy to have her peace and quiet back! Oh yes, most of the time she had very nice mood music she had on satellite! It was a peaceful easy feeling. Sometimes Estelle turned on the TV, but as soon as she left... my mother calmly walked over and put the beautiful music back on. It was very serene and relaxing! Not like when I was a kid, she would scream and beat us till we changed it back. I can imagine that GOD in all his wisdom has graced her with her PEACE because of all the emotional and physical abuse she had going on in her life, either giving it or taking it, doesn't matter which way you look at it. When asked about her violence towards us... all she said was... "We made a lot of mistakes back then." In my heart I am at peace with all of it. I feel like us getting 10 years and her getting 13, sorta balanced it back a bit. I am very happy to say, I have not been hit since 2001!!! That was not by my mother, but my 3rd husband. All 3 of my husbands hit me and so I am divorced thrice.

Well, the evening was low on the horizon as my son backed out of the long drive... only to the road, then he turned and faced the long road out, lined by the very tall trees the piny woods are known for! It was a very happy feeling for us all. We were quiet most of the way home. And I was extra happy because the longed for rocking chair fit perfectly in the empty seat left by Jay not going! I was of course sad Jay could not go. But there will be plenty of times in the future for him to go. That day he was doing the responsible thing... working. This is the good thing about Jay, he works and gets paid and he always buys baby Joe diapers and food for them... sometimes they have left over food. I am the left over eater! It is a good thing cause it cuts on my food costs! And...Yeah, I do cringe when he (they) buy cigarettes. They all know I want them to quit that stinky wasteful habit, and they all know they should. I think their hearts are in the right place for it. But I also know that addiction of this kind grabs you to the core. I thank GOD that I quit when I was 20.

The next morning, which was a Sunday, we had made plans to go to my dads! He lives out the same distance, only out 10W. He also lives outside a very small town and you have to go through lots of lonely roads full of trees. My dad and his much loved 4th wife lives out in a camp ground. It has an Indian name and I love to go there. There is a beautiful pond as you come into the campgrounds. Rows of mail boxes and showers for the guests that come and go. There are a few people who live there full time and my dad has chosen to retire there! It is a wonderfully beautiful peaceful place to go, everyone knows everyone and all get along. And it is the only place my cell phone loses its signal!

Now my step mother Della, whom I love with all my heart, is a wonderful cook who cooks delicious home made foods! And all the food was so good, the mashed potatoes had nice chunks with some chunks of cheese and there was pork steaks and chicken and beef steak, garlic bread and pea salad! I sure had a hard time stopping eating! But in the back of my head I hear my Grandfather saying... "Know when to push away from the table." But you all know, that some foods just taste so good you want more, even tho you don't need more. This is my problem, it just tastes so good. And without a man to concentrate on... the next best thing for me is food! Yes, I love food and food loves me, I even wrote a little poem about it! If I could eat all I wanted I think I would weigh 500 or a thousand pounds. But she really laid out a full, tasty table for us! My favorite, other than the bbq... was the pea salad! I have always loved that stuff. It was a yummy full plated event for us all!

My dad was the opposite of my mom with the new baby. Whereas my mother was afraid to hold the baby... worried that Shawndra would not want her too... (we did end up getting her to hold the baby for a picture)! My dad was one who scooped the baby up and held her most of the time. It was really nice to see him take to her. He was as always in a good mood. I remember my dad very rarely being mad in my life. I didn't really know him very well till I was 12. And I have 8 siblings by him. oh, 9 including my older sister. She and I are the only kids from both my mother and dad. He also had 3 with his 2nd wife and 5 with his 3rd. But when I was 12, I went to live with him. He worked alot and when he was home, his mood was for the most part happy. I remember when I first moved in with him and my step mother Annie and my 2 little sisters, we were watching TV one evening. We lived in the country and mice were common. But he had sat down on the couch and had taken off his boots. When we saw that mouse running across the hallway, he picked up a boot and threw it and hit the mouse head on. It died instantly! I was so proud of him that he could do such a wonderful thing! Once he even had to shoot a rattlesnake from under the dishwasher! It was a crazy night!

Well I think we spent 6 hours or more there. Really nice to see Daddy and Della... and Della's eldest daughter, we call Pumpkin came in to get her two boys. I have always loved her... she is a good person who I respect and admire for having her life so well put together with her very nice and polite husband, David. We all had a really nice visit and I will always want to go back there.

It was dark when we headed home. Someone had seen a Dairy Queen by the freeway and wanted ice cream, so every one of them had ice cream in one form or another. I was the only one who did not have any. But not to fret, I didn't miss it. As, I have had lots and lots of ice cream in my life time! The actual trip, for me.... was the ice cream on my cake of life!

It was a wonderful weekend for all of us! And Jay got to go to my dads, cause he was off work! It was really a great time. We were all exhausted for a couple days, there is something about being on the road that makes you tired! The farthest I usually go in my little bubble world is 5 minutes or less up the road! That was one of the reasons my Grandmother loved this neighborhood, location, location, location! Everything you need is close! The house they lived in is just 2 or 3 blocks away from this house we now call home. So I am pretty much satisfied in my little place. And space.

As I reflect on my life as it is. It may not be perfect, the kids still haven't learned to clean up their own messes and there is no man to give me comfort in the wee hours of the night... but regardless, I have learned to count my blessings! My home is paid for... no one can come and take it away from us unless we don't pay the taxes. I also have kids who genuinely love each other and are good to each other living under the same roof. There is no fighting or hatred going on around here. We all help each other in different ways. Like at this very minute, Estelle is at a party and Jason is working and Joe is here, with Shawndra and Daniel helping me keep an eye on him. So I can work on this post that has been on my mind for several days. Funny thing about these blogs of mine. Once I get them down into words, they don't harass me at night.

Yes, life is pretty good. I have a son and a daughter, a son in law and a daughter in law and a grand son and a grand daughter. We are all together... we even work together with the laundry. They have finally learned to politely go ask whoever has left laundry in the washer or dryer to move it along. They are just now catching on about cleaning up their own meses. Not all of them do it, but I figure if I keep telling them how perfect my life would be if they did clean up their own messes... maybe they will. And one more thing I am so grateful to be blessed with is the fact that they are all working or going to school full time. There are 7 of us together now. A home full of love and toys. Fun times and happiness with genuine laughter.

I may not have a man to love. But its my own fault. I have never chosen a man over my kids. But one day it will all be different. One day I plan to move on. Let The kids have this house. I cant think of anything better for Aryes and Joe, than to have their Grandparents right down the street! Its all about the future of my children. When they are safe and happy, it will be my time to move into my own space that I will create in time. And I will have all the peace and quiet I need to finish the projects I have started with my writings. My goal being 5 things. I have my book of poetry... and I have a CD I created... and I have done PROVERBS 2000, which I should redo as PROVERBS 2010. I have thought about it. Just sitting here and going over it, online to have it in my email I use just for my writings. I am now working on my bio and about 3 other things I would like to finish. Oh yes, I did complete a story from a dream I had. But I don't think I want that to count for one of my 5 things. Because that was not something I wanted to do. Now I am getting off to things I need not. So back to what...

I want to say that even tho, I have been unable to find my great love. (I thought I had, but looks like I have not). I have been able to teach my children about real love. Both of my children have that magical love that the Bible talks about. I may never have this in my life... but knowing that I have taught both my kids and led them in the right direction... how did I do that??? Well, I always told my son... when he started talking about girls... I said, "You know... there will be lots and lots of girls... but there will one day be one special girl who you will love special forever and ever as long as you live... and that love grows magically for the rest of your life and is more important than any gold or any thing you could ever have." Yes... thats what I said... and with my daughter it was.... "There will always be LOTS of nice guys out there whom you will like.... but one day there will be a special one..." But I knew she had already met him. She was 4 when she met Jason. I could see it even back then. How they looked at each other. And how he looked when I made her come inside. It was the way they looked at each other that gave me my first clue. But I never told them. I was afraid it was my own hopes for a young true love. But they grew into it naturally. I know that it is written this love has magic and will last a life time. One of those 'I hate that I love you so much' things... lol.... I had to say that because it was said by my daughter not to long ago and I have heard it before. So I just have faith that it will all work itself out. I have learned to stay out of any fights. I have 2 rules about being mad... no hitting and no name calling. Sometimes... and this happens mostly to the younger kids... they get mad at each other for various silly things that they have not learned to handle as adults... and I only step in to say, no hitting and no name calling. They work it out between themselves. I do take Joe in my room. But these moments are not serious. I know the love is true. No body wants to hurt any one in this house. It is my gift I give to my kids... a life time of love. My love for them and their love for each other. I give it to them out of habit. With a sense of satisfaction that when all of them grow up, I will have peace of mind and lots and lots of people to love... and to be loved by.

I do still entertain the thought that I will be loved by a man who is good. A man who doesn't hit me. A man who takes responsibility seriously. I wouldn't even care about money. I would love a man who knew how to handle it. Altho I was married 3 times to men who hit me. I also had 3 serious relationships with men who, altho they didn't hit me, they were very irresponsible with money. And I had to be more of a mom/caretaker to them than someone they loved to take care of. I don't need much in life. I would be happy with a jolly man who took care of things and only gave me a card for groceries and sundry items. My mother said that my Grandmother didn't want another man after my Grandfather died. But I am thinking that he was the love of her life. After 8 children together... she always loved him. I hear she was very pretty and there were men willing to take on her large family, but she didn't want that. And she was also very diligent with her clean floors. My dad says the last thing she did every night was mop the floors. Now there, I am like her. I mop my floors most every day. But as far as a man goes. I don't think I ever found my true fine love. Or if I did, I pushed him away. I like to think that by the time my kids all grow up... 2 to 4 years... there will be someone who will be there for me. A real man a superhero man who wants a real down to earth woman who knows how to appreciate and treat a good man. Yes, I do dream about the day when I can cozy up to someone warm and funny...

But until then, I thank GOD for the true blessings in my life. The happy content feeling that my kids are all headed in the right direction. There is something that is sooooo funny to me. And this is our secret... I dont think my daughter reads this blog... lol... its not myspace... so I dont think she bothers... someone once told me to create a myspace... but... you know... it has been in the news so often, kids getting in trouble. And anyways... this blogspot is more private. More intimate for me. So anyway... here is the secret... its an old story I once learned in High School, in a psychology class. REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY ... hahaha... ok, now think Rosanne. Remember Rosanne Barr and John Goodman in the sitcom 'Rosanne'?? I have to laugh at myself... the kids don't know that sort of humor. They know Family Guy and Simpsons. So, many times I will do what I call... pull a Rosanne. lol... you know? Say something really off the wall. It is so funny with my teenage daughter. She has no clue I am laughing (with Rosanne) when I say some of the things I say. And this action has made her soooo straight... hahaha... cause I am so silly... she feels someone has to be the adult in the house. hahahaha... remember, this is our secret... one day she will grow up and figure it all out, so until then... let me have my fun! Lots of people relate and just laugh with me. Especially my friend Rita. We laugh until we cry!

So in closing tonight... as I have been working on this most of the day, between taking care of the babies and working in the kitchen. It was so important to post the memory of the visits. I am happy and content and relaxed. I know there is still so much of life ahead for my family. And I feel like I will not be disappointed in the choices my children make. Since the babies came, there is not much partying or doing drugs or drinking. And I am happy to say, there is NO SMOKING in the house! I have begged for it for years... no one listened to me... so GOD gave me two babies for use as an anti smoking device!

Yes, GOD is GREAT.... GOD is GOOD... I thank him for my daily food...

But most of all, I thank HIM for the good, responsible children who have come to be so close to me in my life! Not only my own children and their chosen spouses... but there is nothing more special to me than to be rocking in that old rocking chair with Aryes and when her mom comes to get her... being able to pick up the other bigger grand baby Joe and give him a few loving rocks and sing him to silliness too! Nothing better than being able to spread the love and joy!

Well, thanks be to GOD, theres enough love to go around!