A New Day

It s already after midnight... there is a full moon.

I have had so much rolling around in my head today I have been feeling the stress, I must, I need to get it out. I cant seem to go to sleep until it is written, all said and done.

First of all I want to mark this day. When I was coming home from taking the girls to driving school, my car got whistled at. YEAH... can you believe? It has been years since I have heard that sort of thing. I mean, I am middle age now! It was the classic appreciation whistle. So common to those of us who know. lol... Yeah, um, I used to be young and beautiful ;) So I wanted to remember this day for that purpose. And when my mind goes... as I am sure it will. I can come back here and read this blog and have a smile on my face. It is so nice to have such a good looking car! *SMILE*

Another thing I am thinking about is the fact that motherhood is so much apart of my life. My younger sisters daughter has moved out of her home. Now, thinking back, my mother took my niece after my sister had her, and cared for her when she was a baby, while my sister worked. But then I think it was around the age of four, she went to live with her mother, my sister. Now at age 16, she has moved in with her boyfriend. My sister is free of kids after just 12 years. Or kid. I only fantasize about that type of freedom. I had many more than one. I had mine and a few others too. For 32 years!! There was a few short times when I let my daughter stay with some friends, but it was a time when I was divorcing my second husband and I was afraid he would kill me and take my daughters life too. And so my friend suggested she stay with her a while.

And then the depression... after, I let her spend a lot of time with the family of a girl from school. They told me it was easier with her there, it gave their daughter someone to hang out with. It is possible they knew what I was going through and wanted to help. Hey, I know how that works. But for the most part, my life has been filled with kids. And thinking about all that now, I don't think I would change a thing. For I have loved all the children who have passed through my life and now my grand children are so close as well. Joe, more so, cause he lives with me and I love him more than words can describe. That doesn't discount the others... but they have really good parents and live down the street and they are well cared for. I do babysit a couple days a week. So I do have special time with them also. Which I cherish!

But my point is... even tho it has been a very hard stressful time. I have needed to be here. Secretly clinging to the children like they have given me a purpose. I am so glad that I have been able to stay home with them. It sure seems to have helped. They are good kids!

I have never put anything or anyone above the children. Have made so many sacrifices for them. Denying myself a life so that I could give them a better one.

I did try to bring men into the mix. But there was always a problem. And it just didn't work for me to put a man above the children. And I am a firm believer that a man has to be a top priority. Which is the way it would be if I had the father of the children with me. Of course the father would naturally be above them as he would be the strength and provider for the clan. So it would be natural and easy to put a man on top if he was the real father. But since that didn't happen that way for me, there could be none other.

So now I am looking forward to a life of my own. I often think about the time when these kids who are here now move out and on with their lives. I don't want to lose my perspective of who I am as a person. But I want to have a real life and have a real man who I can 'take care of' ... yeah... I need someone to care for.

Or I think I need. Or maybe it isn't a real need. More of a want. I want to be close and intimate with a man. (yeah a man cause I am not all into women like that, have never been) eeewwwwww...

So maybe this is a want. Maybe the truth is, I want to 'feel needed'.

But also, I know in my heart, if nothing ever comes of my love... which I do love... I am not loveless... but if nothing ever comes of it and I am alas... alone for ever more... then I will also be OK. I will just find a different purpose. I can volunteer at the hospital. Or a nursing home somewhere, I would feel needed.

Am I too old for to be close to someone special?

Is it to late for me?

Will destiny lead me back into my own lonely mind?

Will I ever feel that magicalness again?

Well...

At any rate. I have good friends... I have good family who is with me through thick and thin. Kids I can depend on.

And for this I will always be eternally grateful to GOD for giving me what I need. GODLY LOVE.

Love one another...

Do good to one another...

Never lose focus!