Silent Tears

   Life has not been fair. Is it ever? 

I've been crying every day for several weeks. 

So much going on and I feel like there is no good in the world. Of course, there is actually more good stuff than bad. But it seems to me, to be me and to tell my story of my place in this life that seems so hard, I'm assuming because I made a few bad choices, it's a struggle!

I hope that we can teach the children to do better! 

I know for me I was raised up in violence. And the smart people tell me it's because my mother was mean and cruel and violent, that's why I married men who were mean and cruel and violent. My mother loved me and she was mean, so I married men who were mean because that's what I thought love was. I thought everyone had that shit going on. 

I may not have had a good man, but I raised up my son to be one, him and his wife are still together from teenagers, 25 years! And with 3 beautiful children! They live 4 houses down from me!

I am BLESSED!

But right now, I want to talk about the thing that hurt me the most this week... it was learning about the silent tears that I cry. I did a web search asking if it was a skill to cry without making a sound... I wasn't surprised to learn that yes; it was a skill that I probably learned through childhood trauma. You know when you cry without making any noise, so you won't get beat worse. 

But I am getting ahead of myself. 

So, the homeless woman came back. I don't mind giving her a safe place to sleep or food. She can shower and wash her clothes. I just have a problem with her drinking and doing drugs. I don't have any rules, so she comes and goes as she wants. She begs people for money and food and here's the kicker, she pays for nothing, gets everything... there's several restaurants where she can go and beg for food. She says... "I'm hungry, I haven't eaten all day, do you have any extras that you can give me?"  And most all of the managers will give her free food! 

On the bus one day a mother and her kids got on with a bucket of chicken, taking it home. And she asked them the same way, "I haven't eaten all day and I'm really hungry, can I have a piece of chicken?"  She didn't get a piece, and the mother and children got off at the next stop.

The thing is she went on and got more food. She eats better than my family! 

And she gets people to buy her expensive toiletries... she's using Loreal and I'm using VO5.

I did get a little bothered about it, how I have worked all my life since I was 15... I never learned to beg. I have always made my own way. And I am still working and paying all the bills. This week the electric bill was more than my paycheck, so I saved a bit from last week to pay the bill. And there's nothing extra. I don't ask anyone for anything. 

I struggle with fighting other people's demons. 

Believing that someday it'll make a difference. 

And really technically it doesn't really matter. I only want to do the right thing. 

It's basically between me and GOD and GOD knows all of my troubles and how I struggle through it. 

And I cry, a lot.

One day this week I was with the lady I am a care provider for, (the homeless woman is her friend) and we had seen her at the bus stop. She was wacked out and talking to the lady I work for, I remained silent, just listening to her say that she had been in the hospital and stuff that happened to her.   We got off the bus and did our errand's and, on the way home we saw her again on the bus. She got off and went into Popeyes. We also went in. That's when she went on and on about what's been going on and what she's going to do, someone had stolen her phone so she couldn't call or text... and I said to my lady, "show her the picture" and that's where she learned there was a picture of her sleeping on the bench. She didn't want to see it, what a crazy day, but it was about to get worse. We left her and we were waiting at the bus stop; I opened up to Ms. S about the silent tears discovery that I had made just the night before. I went into more detail for her about the torture I survived and told her of how I was stripped naked and beaten until we would bleed and how we were made to step up to a wall and take a big step back and then rest on the wall with 1 or 2 fingers, let me tell you that hurts! I was talking through tears telling my most horrible memories. I was still trying to figure it all out. Explaining about how I was told that all that was from my stepdad being in the military and they used these tactics on enemy prisoners. (I've been through 7 years of therapy.) Ive learned a lot of things. 

When I got home Ms. S sent me a text saying she talked to someone, and they said the military doesn't do that... there was something about the wall but is only used by the CIA. 

WHAT!?! You're going to believe all the lies the homeless woman told you and you think I'm lying? I swear I will never open up to her about any of my secret thoughts ever again.

It really hurt my feelings. I feel like I lost a friend that day. Or maybe she was never a friend. Whatever... there's been other issues. I almost lost another friend because of my mood, but they're still with me and I appreciate that so much! But I do just stay alone in my room, I am very reclusive. And it's OK!

Sometimes when some narcissist insults me, I jump on the bandwagon, boy have I got some great insults to drag me down farther than they could ever think of going. And they are shocked; they are usually the ones with the put downs. But OK, I am a survivor and it's just another thing I learned to do. I don't think GOD likes it though. 

When I start feeling sad and alone, I count my blessings, I have a safe home, friends and family who love me! And I have a job that pays my bills. I'll probably work till the day I die... it's nice having something good and productive to do!

I Thank GOD for the LOVE and the BREATH...

I thank GOD that I do not allow others to make me as bad as they are. 

And I love all y'all, it's you all who give my life purpose and meaning! 

I still have a dream, and I hope LOVE wins in the end! Of course it will! For it is written!

GOD Bless US Everyone! IJCNA

The GOD Perspective

 If I could be remembered for one thing, I would like it to be that I could change some people's perspective of who and what GOD is. I realize that a lot of people already know who GOD is, of course they do, they taught me! But there's nothing better than to look and see through spiritual eyes to get the whole picture.

When people see GOD as like a man in the sky... they have the wrong perspective. 

First and foremost, this thought is wrong because GOD is not a man, HE IS a spirit. 

Now, we know the spirit of GOD can inhabit people; which tells us that GOD is not a single entity. I believe that GOD is the culmination of all the souls of all the saints and sinners and everyone in between who has ever lived and breathed and died. I believe that that little spark of energy that keeps our heart beating and leaves us when we die, (some people call them orbs) that little bit of energy is what remains alive and holds our souls... our thoughts and memories are in there. And we are attracted to the light, the light being GOD which is all the ones together that have gone before us. It contains our whole history of ancestors. Everyone sharing their memories. 

Once you die, there is no more body, but the soul is still very much alive.

When I look out in the world and I see so many people who have no sense of morals, no love of others, only loving themselves, I feel so sad about it. Because GOD has something so much better in mind for US! GOD is all about LOVING ACTIONS! HE wants us to care about each other, do good things that makes each other's world a better place! 

The words are... Love one another, do good to one another, help each other out... and the last that hardly anyone talks about is this... Confess your faults one to another!

I believe that it is good to confess your faults to someone you feel close too so that you can see yourself through the eyes of another human. And most times you walk away with a different perspective!

I like that we can share the same spirit!

GOD can also give us warning about things that could happen if we don't care and we don't pay attention. I think a simple example is this, throwing garbage on the ground ... imagine if everyone threw their garbage on the ground! I know I hate to see garbage piled up in the ditch that I walk by every week! GOD within me would never allow me to throw garbage down. Have you seen places where they have garbage everywhere? 

It's like thieves and murderers... its ok for them to do it to you, but all hells gonna break loose if you steal from them or murder their momma.

Some people can't see beyond their own noses.

The power of GOD has been alive and well in a godzillion amount of people!

Be one of them! 

We know that GOD is good and Jesus can help you find GOD!

I thank GOD for all the Spirit has inspired!

GOD Bless US! Everyone! IJCNA

Help For The Homeless

Some people. Ugh...

I'm the kind of person who chooses to see and believe the best in people. I didn't know she would fail. I'm talking about the homeless woman who I let stay in my house. It was originally only until she could find a bed in a facility, but she got so comfortable she wanted to stay and do her programs as an outpatient. 

I work a lot and so I didn't see much, I was simply hoping for the best. 

But the saddest realization is when you see someone who loves drugs more than home and family. Is there a reason why GOD tells us that there's nothing more important than home and family? How can people such as myself, who have survived hell ever want anything except LOVE and truth and peace? After all the hate and lies and chaos... how could anyone want to stay there?

I guess for some it's not a choice, but a habit.

I wrote a little ditty the other day. It goes like this... 

I'm feeling like a turtle

stuck inside my shell

Afraid to stick my head out

tired of seeing hell.

Will life ever be normal? I sure hope so because I would be so sad to spend the rest of my life in misery with a people who loves drugs more than me, or even GOD. I'm not talking about the natural plant that grows from a seed. I'm talking about a man-made substance of chemicals that alters the brain to see things like worms and bugs!

I knew that she was drinking but it didn't bother me too bad because I felt like it wouldn't be so bad if she controlled it. But I am not knowing the details of an addict's mind. 

It could have been the alcohol that took her back to the hard drugs like meth and crack. 

One day she told me my house was infested with bugs and worms another day she said she had to go to the emergency room for a bug stuck to her eye, which she wanted 20 bucks because the hospital wouldn't treat her unless she could buy the medicine. Thank GOD that I'm not stupid! When you're on county Medicaid it doesn't work that way. And I think wanting 20$ is sort of common among drug users. 

I talked with the lady I work for because it was because of her that I met and let T come stay. And we google searched about the bugs and discovered that that is a sign of chronic drug abuse. She had also asked me for a pair of socks because hers had bugs and worms all in them. And we had called the hospital, and they told us she was not a patient in any of their hospitals. Guessing that was proof of a lie. We decided that one of us would have to tell her what we know. 

When she called my friend as soon as she said something about bugs and worms, she had to go and she hasn't called back in 5 days! But what happened was, the night before she had called my daughter for a ride from Taco Bell at 1AM. My daughter works and she was in bed at that time, but then all text to my daughter went crazy, she said my daughter caused her to get beat up, (I'd say it was her being on the streets at night) and started threatening my daughter... weird things like she had been videoing us and she was going to call someone about it. Dear GOD, I can't for the life of me figure out what that meant. In her drugged-up mind who knows what that involved. And when she tried to come back in my daughter made her get her stuff and leave and she told her to never come back. To be honest I was relieved. I was starting to worry pretty seriously about her being there.

There's probably been 100 or more people pass through my house trying to do better, most were ok, but some never changed anything and went right back into their old ways. A very small handful did well and moved on up like the Jeffersons!

Would I do it again? Hmmm very perplexing question.

Of course, I verbally said I would never do it again... But GOD knows my heart and says I probably would. Because all in all... all of those people had to resolve their issues with GOD. And for sure GOD is right here with me. So where else should they be?

I know there's been a lot of setbacks... but that doesn't stop me from moving forward!

And besides, I'm doing pretty good in my head these days! 

Ever since I learned how to slow down... take my time! Oh yes... people used to say, "There goes Nancy in her 5th gear again! 

HAHAHAHA... But since I learned to slow down, I make less mistakes.

GOD, Life is hard and challenging I can see it through and through, Lord help me find my way in life, I'd Like to live for you!

GOS Bless US Everyone IJCNA

GOD Can Fix You

 No matter who you are or what your problem is, GOD in all HIS POWER and WISDOM can absolutely fix you! Unless you've sold your soul to the devil and you are dead!

The words of Christ can change your way of thinking! Read them in the New Testament, Matthew Mark Luke and John specifically... I mean, start with a clean heart... don't be having a lot of clutter in your brain. Be calm and questioning!  

GOD promises this to all... and you will find HIM!

It is written that one day LOVE will win the war of good against evil, love will win over hate! One day people are really going to learn TRUTH and do well for ALL of US! And lest we forget that there are many really good godly people in the world even today! 

All are not lost! There are a lot of really good people out there, trying to help the world be a better place... Yes... but there are also too many who don't care about the world becoming a better place cause their world is in themselves... living in the now... only caring about themselves. 

That's not the way GOD works; that's not the last command that HE gave US! 

But to be so selfish that they will steal and kill for personal gain. Ugh... they are 'yucky people'! 

And here's the final call... GOD IS LOVE... We are told to LOVE ONE ANOTHER!!

That's IT... 

Because LOVE in itself will abolish sin! You know, the stuff that brings ya down! You won't do it anymore! Remember the whore who got forgiven of her sin, and then Jesus said... "Now go and sin no more!" You see that's why a lot of people don't want GOD in power; they are happy in their sin. They don't want to stop.

But can we agree that living with lies and murder and hate is not the way to live? 

We Just keep learning to do better! Lots of us already get it! It's only a matter of time before we all understand these truths! 

I've seen people achieve and I have seen people fail. 

Achieve your best by the renewing of your mind! 

Follow what is good and right and true!

And sin no more!

GOD Bless US, Everyone! IJCNA

The Great Whore

 I think this blog will be of a sensitive nature so maybe you should stop reading. 

Or maybe you can continue.

So, I had read about the great whore in the Bible and for a long time I thought that it was talking about my mother. I'm not kidding because as a whore, she was pretty great! 

She met men at truck stops and the ship channel. I remember the waitresses would watch us kids while my mother and Aunt would go to the trucks with the drivers. I wonder if those waitresses knew what was going on...  And I remember going on big ships and being watched by old man in the galley while my mother went to rooms with the sailors.

My mother had all her teeth taken out in her early 30's... why? better BJs?

I thank GOD for my maternal grandparents who taught me what normal was.

But my mother taught all 3 of her daughters how to be a good whore... she taught me to lie, how to flip phone numbers backwards so husbands wouldn't know the real number if they ever found the paper. 

And I learned things that I didn't want to know. I learned how to manipulate men; I thought they were out to manipulate me. When someone questioned me, I answered with this... HA, I'm using them as much as they're using me. Yes, I had more than my fair share of men.

My mother was married 8 times. For me 3...  I felt like 3 strikes, you're out. I will never have that godly young love. My baby's daddy is sin riddled. I suffer daily with verbal and emotional abuse. I fight the demons through prayer and quoted scripture, HA I've even screamed at him, rebuking the devil. But he always chooses to allow the demons to control him. I see this is my punishment for choosing whoredom. Yes, I really do think that. 

I have repented and I do maintain a contrite spirit! I even believe that GOD can fix my baby's daddy if he would ask for forgiveness and sin no more.

I am not the only one suffering. 

But GOD has shown me that the scripture is speaking of the spiritual ways. Spiritual demons roaming around just looking for innocence to destroy with the lusts of the flesh. I look into the world, and I see too many whores. People with thinking like my mother. The same spirit is still out there. 

And the only way to fix it is through the spreading of GODS knowledge. 

GOD has given us the ability to avoid the bad consequences. 

Fall in love, get married and have a family, love each other and do good things for the family and help them out when you can! Bring JOY to the world!

All the selfishness and hate are not good. 

Loving and caring is the way to be!

Learn to live with LOVE in your heart, always talking to GOD about it!

GOD is with US in constant spirit!

GOD Bless US, Everyone IJCNA

Quirky People

In my life I have known many different types of PEOPLE! I probably could never describe them all. But I can tell you this, my grandmother said, "There's good and bad in every race." This thought was so deep for me, I thought and thought on it for years! It's so ambiguous and I could probably make a handful of ideas from it! And it really taught me not to judge others. And now today I say we should never judge others because only GOD knows someone's true heart and soul. Some people act one way and talk another way and most times they never make sense. They are so full of BS but they hide it, trying to even hide it from themselves. But nothing is hidden from GOD. 

I recently heard that smart people are quirky... Ive always been told how stupid I am and how worthless ... so it was a pleasant surprise for me when Google told me I was actually smarter than the average bear. I did take an IQ test when in my early 30's and I got 123! Which they say is higher than average. I really don't think about it much ... except... 

I feel like my goal is to simplify GOD! 

When you believe in the man Jesus, it leads you to some pretty fantastic stuff! The most important thing is what Jesus left us... The Holy Spirit! It is real and it is a blessing because it's always there in real time to lead and guide you into the way that is good! 

Isn't it wonderful to have an entity living within you telling you things, like the difference between good and bad, in all things! It's like a young person wondering about porn and they go to do a web search and the Holy Spirit inside says, "no its not good for you!" Don't even worry about it, there's so much good stuff in life it's good that you stay away from the bad stuff. You can avoid a lot of heartache and pain by staying away from people who are doing bad things. 

And the Holy Spirit is always there to warn you and give you an out! Well unless you dug in too deep with the devil and then no one can help you, you can't even help yourself. It's really best you stay out of  places where demons live.

I believe that we are here to make the world a better place! 

Every day I wake up I look for things to do that make life a better place. Yes, I'm quite quirky... let me tell you a few things about me... when I walk to and from work, I always pick up any trash along the way. I'm not getting paid for it, I just don't like the way it looks. I taught my kids like this... Imagine if everyone in the world threw their trash on the ground. I mean really imagine what the world would look like! I think that is so important, that we put trash in its proper place!

Another quirk for me is, most every day that I walk to and from work I always stop to smell the flowers at the old lady's house on the corner! She has wonderful flowers! I never pick them; I just stop and sniff long and hard! And I truly enjoy the moment and then I always walk away with a smile on my face! I do this sometimes 4 times a day 4 days a week!

Another quirk of mine is I talk to myself! Oh yes! Did you know smart people talk to themselves? When I was 12 I saw a man talking to himself on the bus, my mother said he was probably practicing a speech. Made sense to me. And sometimes I do look like I'm talking to myself, but for real, I feel like I am talking to GOD within me! 

And did you know that I will wash out all those little plastic containers for the recycle bin!?! Some people can't believe it! As one woman said, "not everyone's like you Nancy" and all I could think was what a great place this would be if everyone always cared enough to go the extra mile, for no other reason except its Jesus's Holy Spirit, telling them to do this!

It's not that I enjoy picking up other people's trash, it's that I do enjoy seeing the clean streets!

And even now, I have brought in a homeless woman from off the street. I know, that's not quirky, that's crazy! HAHAHAHA... no... lol... she's not on drugs; I think the best way to explain it is this way... She would rather sleep outside behind the cleaners or the daycare, rather to stay in a home where people are mean to her. I totally understand. 

People have been mean to me my whole life! Starting with my own blood mother. So, I'm used to it, but I don't like it. I never dreamed it would bring me to a place where I would be strong enough to fight demons! I don't enjoy it, but in the end, the serenity and peace are sure worth it!

Because there are people like Sharon, she is my favorite human in this life, she is good and kind and thoughtful! And she's always surprising me with wonderful things, like last Saturday she picked me up in her new car! And she took us to one of our favorite restaurants! We laughed a lot and cried a little! It was real! It's people like her that keeps my eyes on Jesus! Because it's the Holy Spirit that made her that way and she chose the right path!

In life there is good and bad, get through the bad times and enjoy the good times! One day as you get older things will just keep getting better! 

Well, they do if you figure out the places and people you need to stay away from! 

There are so many great wonderful, good things in this world... If you get it right! You will find the way to heaven! Choose Jesus! Let the Holy Spirit in! You'll be glad ya did!

GOD Bless US Everyone! IJCNA

For Jennifer

 I met Jennifer when she was a baby in a car seat. I was dating her dad's best friend, and I spent a lot of time with them, us as 2 couples and the baby, Jennifer. When I discovered that my man friend, enjoyed the company of more than one woman, we broke up and I didn't think I would see the baby again. So, it was to my surprise when Jennifer and her brother and their parents moved in across the street! 

Jenn was 5 and my daughter was 3, they became fast friends! And stayed friends for the next 30 years, my daughter is now 34 and Jenn would have been 37 this year. But on April 28, 2026, Jennifer was found dead on the floor by her bed. 

But first let's go back...

I spent many years babysitting Jennifer and her little brother. They would all be at my house or at their house. We never really had trouble out of them, well except for one thing, which I will get to later. They were good kids, did all the things that kids do... ride bikes, play in the dirt... chase the ice cream man! 

Life was good! 

But then Jenns parents started fighting, a lot... because her dad was drinking hard liquor a lot and turning into a (meanasshole), a beast. After the kids graduated the parents got a divorce and the dad moved back to west Texas with his extended family. But by this time both of the kids were gay. Well, Jenn had a couple boyfriends when she was a kid but in her adult years, she was so gay. Now, how does that happen!?! I have a theory, I feel like the kids saw all that fighting and they decided they weren't going to do that! Plus, society has accepted it as ok. 

The brother moved in with an older man and Jenn and her mom moved into an apartment.

Many times, the mom would come over and cry, 'she would never have any grandchildren'. I felt so very sad, with 8 grandchildren of my own, I know exactly what she's missing! 

And she loved her daughter Jennifer very much! They were very close.

After a few years, the dad died. No one was surprised. The way he drank, the things he ate.

Jennifer got a job at an auto parts store. She was an excellent employee. Her mother worked for Walmart. Life went on... then her brother died of a drug overdose! He was so young in his early 20's Jenn and her mother were devastated. A real hard time for them. Jenn started drinking and it was getting worse. She ended up in the hospital with liver issues, and they thought she was going to die. Her mother lived at the hospital when she wasn't working. We were all praying. 

Miracle of miracles she survived! She started having some hip problems and soon became dependent on a cane. And her mother retired. They lived well for a time... 

And then one day in 2024 Jenn woke up and found her mother dead in the bed. 

She started drinking again. Every time we talked on the phone, she cried and made her little confession, and I told her she was not supposed to be drinking. But she knew that. 

One day not long ago, probably around 2 or 3 months ago, Jenniffer called me, I am like a second mother to her, and I thank GOD I was there for her... she was crying very hard telling me that her cat had died... and she couldn't find her mother's cat. Both cats were almost 15 years old. She was pretty upset and only settled down when I told her we could bury him in my backyard. Her old male friend went over to get the cat and found her mother's cat also dead in the kitchen cabinet, so they were both brought over to be buried, and they had a little thing out there. 

And then Jennifer was alone. 

Something told me she wouldn't last long being alone. We talked about her coming to live here, but she had her mother's money and said she would come when she ran out of money to pay the rent. 

The last 2 years she never touched her mother's room. She kept it just like her mom left it. Oh, she talked about renting it out, but that never happened. 

And then the same male friend who buried the cats said he couldn't get hold of her. He tried to call my daughter, but she was busy. He tried to get the apartments to do a well check but they wouldn't because they needed the occupant's family's permission. Well, he got on his way to her and that's when she was found. It was the police who called my daughter next because the man friend knows my daughter. And my daughter called me sobbing in hysterics. Told me the police said Jennifer was deceased. 

She had drunk herself to death. She was yellow, and my daughter walked in on that. 

Wasn't it Socrates who said, "An unexamined life is not worth living"... ???

And all I can think is, had she followed GOD she would not have died alone.

She would have had a husband and his family and probably children to give her life meaning. 

But they all are now gone, she was the last. It gives my heart pain that she didn't know Jesus. Because if she had, her whole life would have been different. Kinder, longer. 

She was just 36.

Now it's my daughter who is cleaning out the apartment. Finding old family treasures. Pictures of the kids when they were kids. She's bringing so much stuff to our garage. And my daughter will be bringing the ashes home of Jennifer and her mom and her brother. And we'll figure out a place to spread their ashes together. A really hard thing for my daughter. 

Will y'all pray for my daughter, Kathryn... AKA Jennifers best friend.

GOD Bless US, Everyone! IJCNA