Last Night

 About 1:30am I woke to the sound of shattered glass.

By the time I got to the bedroom door I could see a fight going on in the hall. 

My BD was being attacked by his homeless, drunk, drugged up so called friend. The fight came in on me, and I fell backwards and he scrambled behind me. I was shocked! What kind of man hides behind a woman? 

The psycho started going after my daughter and she and her daughter were struggling to hold her bedroom door shut... and from somewhere deep inside something drew up in me and I can't even remember the words, something like... "Get out of my house, what did I ever do to you that made you come into MY house and do this?" As he's backing up, I can see the destruction all around me, tables flipped over, things broken and scattered around.

 He's screaming back at me name calling... I don't even remember it all... It was all so crazy! I was expecting him to attack me too, we were nose to nose... me being firm with my words... Get out of my house... I was walking on glass! And I kept repeating the words as he stumbled and slipped out the broken back door, or what was left of it. It was completely shattered all over the ground. 

I am a peace-loving nonviolent person!

As far back as I can remember there has been violence and destruction. Anger, hate and meanness. I survived it only to still be subjected to this! It was 2 demons fighting... two of the same dark spirits trying to be top demon. Sorta like the Shiites and the Sunnis... same people... but with labels and hatred leading them. 

I don't know what makes people like that. I grew up knowing that I never wanted to be a part of that sort of life. I loved the peace and love that I felt at my maternal grandparents. I wake up with a good purpose; I strive to do the right thing. And the right thing is not to go to someone's house and start attacking them and destroying their stuff.

I was up most of the night cleaning up the disaster that was given to me. I slept a little because I was so tired, but it was hard to go to sleep with the back door wide open. My daughter and her daughter went to a real friend's house to sleep. I was up early cleaning up, I just know we have to keep on keeping on. No matter what happens we keep going.

I remember what I was feeling when I was staring into the eyes of Satan, and I am still struggling to figure it all out, because it wasn't fear or anger... it was a sense of calm... the strength of the power of GOD within me! I tell ya, you learn something new every day. 

You never know what you've got until it comes to the reality of it. 

By all means that man could have beat me down too. 

But he couldn't actually touch me because his spirit saw the spirit of the most highest strength holding my hand. He knew the best thing for him to do was to get the hell out of there! "if y'all call the police I'll come back and kill all y'all" he screamed at us going out the door. 

My daughter already had them on the phone!

I believe that in the new earth we won't be troubled with people like him, or the sort of people who go stop traffic in the streets to protest this or that and then freak out when they get run over! These people harbor demons that we can't see except with the eyes of the spirit! They choose in their minds to be stupid! They act without thinking.

I think it was Socrates who said, 'an unexamined life is not worth living.'

It's a waste of time to step out when you don't have a clue about what's going on. 

Pay attention to all the facts. Look at the consequences to everything! 

Keep straight. Be strong. And know from where your true power comes!

GOD Help US, Everyone!

IJCNA

Like A Duck

 I have really been struggling the past few days... But hey I've been struggling all my life. 

I'm good at being a survivor!

This past week I've had a few friends tell me that the demons go after the ones who are closest to being a threat to them. Yeah... you betcha, they have their hands full here. 

But I have been doing some things wrong. Hard to believe huh? lol

I am so easy to walk away. But I've had to stand strong against the evil in this world. Y'all know I fight demons. And I'm pretty good at it, but here lately it's become worse... things are so messed up I'll never be able to comprehend it all, so immediately I have to give it to GOD... and I must confess, it made me feel hate... ohhh  yes...I hate people who are deliberately screwed up, and they are so narrow minded they can't see beyond their own noses! One person who is close to me for about 40 years... chose to live in the darkness. I hated so badly I was thinking 'just die already'... and then I realized that harboring hate was not the way I wanted to live. And I was so frustrated and I was so tired of all the BS I asked GOD to just take me... I honestly wanted to die to escape the madness. I didn't even want to hear the words of correction and comfort. I was done. I laid in the bed for 2 days... begging GOD to do this. I didn't even eat the first day... it was like a personal sacrifice for peace. I just want the promises of GOD... a life full of love and peace and joy! I've never had that. But I am asking GOD for that... Please GOD before I die let me have that love and peace and happiness that I see out there in most of the people in the world.

I don't really want to die; I just need relief. Gimme a break, cut me some slack! PLEASE!

My whole life has been a chaotic mess. I've made some bad choices. 

The whole thing is that we can learn to do better! 

It might be too late for me, but I can tell the children to hold onto the love of your youth... love them more than you love yourself! It reminds me of the story of people sitting around the eating table, with arms ill equipped to feed themselves... until they discover they can easily feed each other. There's more to the story but the gest of it is; we're supposed to be kind and helpful, making life better for all!

Another thing I have to deal with is a thing I learned to do a long time ago. Today I am focused on how to change it as it's become a go to habit for me... and that is when a narcissistic person starts talking crap to me about me... they call me stupid or an idiot or like my mother used to call me a parasite. I used to just be quiet and take it... but I have discovered that I can jump on the bandwagon and insult and berate and tear down myself. And guess what happens!?! They're shocked... they are expecting me to cower and cry... and I am like... doing a better job than they are at ripping me apart! Even though I don't believe a word that I say.  And you know what!?! They shut up because they can't believe their eyes! Yes, I'm crazy...

 But I don't think GOD likes me to do that either. But it's what I've learned to do. 

And I usually walk away and never look back. 

Today I'm not walking away, I'm walking through!

People in the world filled with hate... they have no clue that life is so much better filled with love and respect and peace and joyous happiness! GOD has given us all the instructions that we need. And to get to that beautiful place, you must go through Jesus... read Matthew Mark Luke and John first to know him... and he brings you to the Holy Spirit who leads you to GOD!

The knowledge is not new... wisdom has always been there; it's just that people turn their backs on the good things because hate and lust and greed and arrogance and ignorance leads them astray from the perfect will of GOD.

So, the moral of the story is when life gets you down and all the storms that surround... when the rains come a pouring down... be a duck... shake it off... the sun always shines on a new day!

GOD Bless US... Everyone! IJCNA

 

I don't think GOD liked that at all. I got flashes in my head of all the goodness that I shared. 

Silent Tears

   Life has not been fair. Is it ever? 

I've been crying every day for several weeks. 

So much going on and I feel like there is no good in the world. Of course, there is actually more good stuff than bad. But it seems to me, to be me and to tell my story of my place in this life that seems so hard, I'm assuming because I made a few bad choices, it's a struggle!

I hope that we can teach the children to do better! 

I know for me I was raised up in violence. And the smart people tell me it's because my mother was mean and cruel and violent, that's why I married men who were mean and cruel and violent. My mother loved me and she was mean, so I married men who were mean because that's what I thought love was. I thought everyone had that shit going on. 

I may not have had a good man, but I raised up my son to be one, him and his wife are still together from teenagers, 25 years! And with 3 beautiful children! They live 4 houses down from me!

I am BLESSED!

But right now, I want to talk about the thing that hurt me the most this week... it was learning about the silent tears that I cry. I did a web search asking if it was a skill to cry without making a sound... I wasn't surprised to learn that yes; it was a skill that I probably learned through childhood trauma. You know when you cry without making any noise, so you won't get beat worse. 

But I am getting ahead of myself. 

So, the homeless woman came back. I don't mind giving her a safe place to sleep or food. She can shower and wash her clothes. I just have a problem with her drinking and doing drugs. I don't have any rules, so she comes and goes as she wants. She begs people for money and food and here's the kicker, she pays for nothing, gets everything... there's several restaurants where she can go and beg for food. She says... "I'm hungry, I haven't eaten all day, do you have any extras that you can give me?"  And most all of the managers will give her free food! 

On the bus one day a mother and her kids got on with a bucket of chicken, taking it home. And she asked them the same way, "I haven't eaten all day and I'm really hungry, can I have a piece of chicken?"  She didn't get a piece, and the mother and children got off at the next stop.

The thing is she went on and got more food. She eats better than my family! 

And she gets people to buy her expensive toiletries... she's using Loreal and I'm using VO5.

I did get a little bothered about it, how I have worked all my life since I was 15... I never learned to beg. I have always made my own way. And I am still working and paying all the bills. This week the electric bill was more than my paycheck, so I saved a bit from last week to pay the bill. And there's nothing extra. I don't ask anyone for anything. 

I struggle with fighting other people's demons. 

Believing that someday it'll make a difference. 

And really technically it doesn't really matter. I only want to do the right thing. 

It's basically between me and GOD and GOD knows all of my troubles and how I struggle through it. 

And I cry, a lot.

One day this week I was with the lady I am a care provider for, (the homeless woman is her friend) and we had seen her at the bus stop. She was wacked out and talking to the lady I work for, I remained silent, just listening to her say that she had been in the hospital and stuff that happened to her.   We got off the bus and did our errand's and, on the way home we saw her again on the bus. She got off and went into Popeyes. We also went in. That's when she went on and on about what's been going on and what she's going to do, someone had stolen her phone so she couldn't call or text... and I said to my lady, "show her the picture" and that's where she learned there was a picture of her sleeping on the bench. She didn't want to see it, what a crazy day, but it was about to get worse. We left her and we were waiting at the bus stop; I opened up to Ms. S about the silent tears discovery that I had made just the night before. I went into more detail for her about the torture I survived and told her of how I was stripped naked and beaten until we would bleed and how we were made to step up to a wall and take a big step back and then rest on the wall with 1 or 2 fingers, let me tell you that hurts! I was talking through tears telling my most horrible memories. I was still trying to figure it all out. Explaining about how I was told that all that was from my stepdad being in the military and they used these tactics on enemy prisoners. (I've been through 7 years of therapy.) Ive learned a lot of things. 

When I got home Ms. S sent me a text saying she talked to someone, and they said the military doesn't do that... there was something about the wall but is only used by the CIA. 

WHAT!?! You're going to believe all the lies the homeless woman told you and you think I'm lying? I swear I will never open up to her about any of my secret thoughts ever again.

It really hurt my feelings. I feel like I lost a friend that day. Or maybe she was never a friend. Whatever... there's been other issues. I almost lost another friend because of my mood, but they're still with me and I appreciate that so much! But I do just stay alone in my room, I am very reclusive. And it's OK!

Sometimes when some narcissist insults me, I jump on the bandwagon, boy have I got some great insults to drag me down farther than they could ever think of going. And they are shocked; they are usually the ones with the put downs. But OK, I am a survivor and it's just another thing I learned to do. I don't think GOD likes it though. 

When I start feeling sad and alone, I count my blessings, I have a safe home, friends and family who love me! And I have a job that pays my bills. I'll probably work till the day I die... it's nice having something good and productive to do!

I Thank GOD for the LOVE and the BREATH...

I thank GOD that I do not allow others to make me as bad as they are. 

And I love all y'all, it's you all who give my life purpose and meaning! 

I still have a dream, and I hope LOVE wins in the end! Of course it will! For it is written!

GOD Bless US Everyone! IJCNA

The GOD Perspective

 If I could be remembered for one thing, I would like it to be that I could change some people's perspective of who and what GOD is. I realize that a lot of people already know who GOD is, of course they do, they taught me! But there's nothing better than to look and see through spiritual eyes to get the whole picture.

When people see GOD as like a man in the sky... they have the wrong perspective. 

First and foremost, this thought is wrong because GOD is not a man, HE IS a spirit. 

Now, we know the spirit of GOD can inhabit people; which tells us that GOD is not a single entity. I believe that GOD is the culmination of all the souls of all the saints and sinners and everyone in between who has ever lived and breathed and died. I believe that that little spark of energy that keeps our heart beating and leaves us when we die, (some people call them orbs) that little bit of energy is what remains alive and holds our souls... our thoughts and memories are in there. And we are attracted to the light, the light being GOD which is all the ones together that have gone before us. It contains our whole history of ancestors. Everyone sharing their memories. 

Once you die, there is no more body, but the soul is still very much alive.

When I look out in the world and I see so many people who have no sense of morals, no love of others, only loving themselves, I feel so sad about it. Because GOD has something so much better in mind for US! GOD is all about LOVING ACTIONS! HE wants us to care about each other, do good things that makes each other's world a better place! 

The words are... Love one another, do good to one another, help each other out... and the last that hardly anyone talks about is this... Confess your faults one to another!

I believe that it is good to confess your faults to someone you feel close too so that you can see yourself through the eyes of another human. And most times you walk away with a different perspective!

I like that we can share the same spirit!

GOD can also give us warning about things that could happen if we don't care and we don't pay attention. I think a simple example is this, throwing garbage on the ground ... imagine if everyone threw their garbage on the ground! I know I hate to see garbage piled up in the ditch that I walk by every week! GOD within me would never allow me to throw garbage down. Have you seen places where they have garbage everywhere? 

It's like thieves and murderers... its ok for them to do it to you, but all hells gonna break loose if you steal from them or murder their momma.

Some people can't see beyond their own noses.

The power of GOD has been alive and well in a godzillion amount of people!

Be one of them! 

We know that GOD is good and Jesus can help you find GOD!

I thank GOD for all the Spirit has inspired!

GOD Bless US! Everyone! IJCNA

Help For The Homeless

Some people. Ugh...

I'm the kind of person who chooses to see and believe the best in people. I didn't know she would fail. I'm talking about the homeless woman who I let stay in my house. It was originally only until she could find a bed in a facility, but she got so comfortable she wanted to stay and do her programs as an outpatient. 

I work a lot and so I didn't see much, I was simply hoping for the best. 

But the saddest realization is when you see someone who loves drugs more than home and family. Is there a reason why GOD tells us that there's nothing more important than home and family? How can people such as myself, who have survived hell ever want anything except LOVE and truth and peace? After all the hate and lies and chaos... how could anyone want to stay there?

I guess for some it's not a choice, but a habit.

I wrote a little ditty the other day. It goes like this... 

I'm feeling like a turtle

stuck inside my shell

Afraid to stick my head out

tired of seeing hell.

Will life ever be normal? I sure hope so because I would be so sad to spend the rest of my life in misery with a people who loves drugs more than me, or even GOD. I'm not talking about the natural plant that grows from a seed. I'm talking about a man-made substance of chemicals that alters the brain to see things like worms and bugs!

I knew that she was drinking but it didn't bother me too bad because I felt like it wouldn't be so bad if she controlled it. But I am not knowing the details of an addict's mind. 

It could have been the alcohol that took her back to the hard drugs like meth and crack. 

One day she told me my house was infested with bugs and worms another day she said she had to go to the emergency room for a bug stuck to her eye, which she wanted 20 bucks because the hospital wouldn't treat her unless she could buy the medicine. Thank GOD that I'm not stupid! When you're on county Medicaid it doesn't work that way. And I think wanting 20$ is sort of common among drug users. 

I talked with the lady I work for because it was because of her that I met and let T come stay. And we google searched about the bugs and discovered that that is a sign of chronic drug abuse. She had also asked me for a pair of socks because hers had bugs and worms all in them. And we had called the hospital, and they told us she was not a patient in any of their hospitals. Guessing that was proof of a lie. We decided that one of us would have to tell her what we know. 

When she called my friend as soon as she said something about bugs and worms, she had to go and she hasn't called back in 5 days! But what happened was, the night before she had called my daughter for a ride from Taco Bell at 1AM. My daughter works and she was in bed at that time, but then all text to my daughter went crazy, she said my daughter caused her to get beat up, (I'd say it was her being on the streets at night) and started threatening my daughter... weird things like she had been videoing us and she was going to call someone about it. Dear GOD, I can't for the life of me figure out what that meant. In her drugged-up mind who knows what that involved. And when she tried to come back in my daughter made her get her stuff and leave and she told her to never come back. To be honest I was relieved. I was starting to worry pretty seriously about her being there.

There's probably been 100 or more people pass through my house trying to do better, most were ok, but some never changed anything and went right back into their old ways. A very small handful did well and moved on up like the Jeffersons!

Would I do it again? Hmmm very perplexing question.

Of course, I verbally said I would never do it again... But GOD knows my heart and says I probably would. Because all in all... all of those people had to resolve their issues with GOD. And for sure GOD is right here with me. So where else should they be?

I know there's been a lot of setbacks... but that doesn't stop me from moving forward!

And besides, I'm doing pretty good in my head these days! 

Ever since I learned how to slow down... take my time! Oh yes... people used to say, "There goes Nancy in her 5th gear again! 

HAHAHAHA... But since I learned to slow down, I make less mistakes.

GOD, Life is hard and challenging I can see it through and through, Lord help me find my way in life, I'd Like to live for you!

GOS Bless US Everyone IJCNA

GOD Can Fix You

 No matter who you are or what your problem is, GOD in all HIS POWER and WISDOM can absolutely fix you! Unless you've sold your soul to the devil and you are dead!

The words of Christ can change your way of thinking! Read them in the New Testament, Matthew Mark Luke and John specifically... I mean, start with a clean heart... don't be having a lot of clutter in your brain. Be calm and questioning!  

GOD promises this to all... and you will find HIM!

It is written that one day LOVE will win the war of good against evil, love will win over hate! One day people are really going to learn TRUTH and do well for ALL of US! And lest we forget that there are many really good godly people in the world even today! 

All are not lost! There are a lot of really good people out there, trying to help the world be a better place... Yes... but there are also too many who don't care about the world becoming a better place cause their world is in themselves... living in the now... only caring about themselves. 

That's not the way GOD works; that's not the last command that HE gave US! 

But to be so selfish that they will steal and kill for personal gain. Ugh... they are 'yucky people'! 

And here's the final call... GOD IS LOVE... We are told to LOVE ONE ANOTHER!!

That's IT... 

Because LOVE in itself will abolish sin! You know, the stuff that brings ya down! You won't do it anymore! Remember the whore who got forgiven of her sin, and then Jesus said... "Now go and sin no more!" You see that's why a lot of people don't want GOD in power; they are happy in their sin. They don't want to stop.

But can we agree that living with lies and murder and hate is not the way to live? 

We Just keep learning to do better! Lots of us already get it! It's only a matter of time before we all understand these truths! 

I've seen people achieve and I have seen people fail. 

Achieve your best by the renewing of your mind! 

Follow what is good and right and true!

And sin no more!

GOD Bless US, Everyone! IJCNA

The Great Whore

 I think this blog will be of a sensitive nature so maybe you should stop reading. 

Or maybe you can continue.

So, I had read about the great whore in the Bible and for a long time I thought that it was talking about my mother. I'm not kidding because as a whore, she was pretty great! 

She met men at truck stops and the ship channel. I remember the waitresses would watch us kids while my mother and Aunt would go to the trucks with the drivers. I wonder if those waitresses knew what was going on...  And I remember going on big ships and being watched by old man in the galley while my mother went to rooms with the sailors.

My mother had all her teeth taken out in her early 30's... why? better BJs?

I thank GOD for my maternal grandparents who taught me what normal was.

But my mother taught all 3 of her daughters how to be a good whore... she taught me to lie, how to flip phone numbers backwards so husbands wouldn't know the real number if they ever found the paper. 

And I learned things that I didn't want to know. I learned how to manipulate men; I thought they were out to manipulate me. When someone questioned me, I answered with this... HA, I'm using them as much as they're using me. Yes, I had more than my fair share of men.

My mother was married 8 times. For me 3...  I felt like 3 strikes, you're out. I will never have that godly young love. My baby's daddy is sin riddled. I suffer daily with verbal and emotional abuse. I fight the demons through prayer and quoted scripture, HA I've even screamed at him, rebuking the devil. But he always chooses to allow the demons to control him. I see this is my punishment for choosing whoredom. Yes, I really do think that. 

I have repented and I do maintain a contrite spirit! I even believe that GOD can fix my baby's daddy if he would ask for forgiveness and sin no more.

I am not the only one suffering. 

But GOD has shown me that the scripture is speaking of the spiritual ways. Spiritual demons roaming around just looking for innocence to destroy with the lusts of the flesh. I look into the world, and I see too many whores. People with thinking like my mother. The same spirit is still out there. 

And the only way to fix it is through the spreading of GODS knowledge. 

GOD has given us the ability to avoid the bad consequences. 

Fall in love, get married and have a family, love each other and do good things for the family and help them out when you can! Bring JOY to the world!

All the selfishness and hate are not good. 

Loving and caring is the way to be!

Learn to live with LOVE in your heart, always talking to GOD about it!

GOD is with US in constant spirit!

GOD Bless US, Everyone IJCNA