No Ordinary Love

As long as I can remember people who were closest to me treated me the worst. Starting with my mother. We were physically, mentally and emotionally abused. And I married 3 times and had 2 serious relationships that were also abusive. The smart people have told me that it was what I knew. 

And honestly, I thought all families were like that behind closed doors.

Around the age of 6 or 7, I started going to my friends' houses meeting their families and seeing a whole new world. I was mystified! It was amazing to me to see people being gentle and kind with each other. 

My grandparents were good people. Sure, I saw them argue... usually they were mad about my mother. I'll never forget one of the nights we were staying at my grandparents and my grandmother put my sister and I in the tub and she saw all those raw marks and bruises. I remember seeing the tears well up in her eyes, I remember thinking... 'why cry now? You should have been there when it was happening, now that was the time to cry!' ...  

I remember hearing her wailing to my grandfather, screaming about her own daughter... "That woman needs to be locked up!" I remember when CPS was new and they called to let my mother know they were coming, and how my mother drilled us on what lies we were to tell. I told them I fell in the wood pile. They believed me and left.

But this is not my point. I just want you to know that this was my mother's love.

I was in the 2nd grade the first time a boy asked me to meet him after school behind the school, and he kissed me right on the mouth! I didn't know what it meant, but it felt good! 

I was 13 when I first fell in love and he loved me back... but that's not the subject of this blog. It does have its own story which one day I will piece it together, but for now it was just the start of many... but there was never one like that first one.

I've probably been through 100 men.  Which means that I am well experienced! So, believe me when I tell you to always encourage the kids to hold on to the LOVE OF THEIR YOUTH! It is a precious and wonderful thing, something that is very rare in life.  And very seldom comes again. I believe that sometimes it does come again. It's something I pray for. Because it's something that I threw away many years ago. And wow was I messed up believing that abuse was love. 

It baffles my brain.

Most of my life was filled with regrets and longing for a peaceful loving relationship. Something I've never known. And I still today, cry and dream of something better in my life. I don't know what will be for me, but I have a home and job security probably for the rest of my life. And I have a GOD who has always led me into the way that is good. 

To recognize the good love that is so alive in the world! I see it with my own eyes! 

For other people. 

So, I wanted to come in here to post a poem that I wrote in the late 90's because even back then I saw truth. And I am still looking for real love. Will I find it? I don't know, but if I don't ... remember always my words... Hang on to the LOVE and treat people well! Because not everyone gets it. 

One Love

I think about you all the time

I just can't get you off my mind

Next year I wonder where we'll be

And if you'll still be there for me

I want to tell you that I love you so

And that my love for you will grow

But the only love I've ever known 

Was a love full of pain, cruel and cold

But to feel your touch is all I need

To send me falling fast and free

I'll pull you close inside of me

You'll see the place you want to be

So won't you please just take my hand

We'll walk together across this land

Alone together we'll always be

To prove that LOVE is good for me.

Thank you for reading! You make my life worthwhile!

GOD Bless US Everyone IJCNA

Basic Knowledge

 I usually have an idea in my head before I come in here of what to write about. But today GOD is telling me to wing it. OK sometimes that's what I do. So, I'm stepping out on faith knowing that GOD will lead and guide me by HIS SPIRIT.

I want to start with the basics, I know I have written about this before but it's a new blog so here I go...

    So many people wonder what the meaning of life is, why are we here? In one word, I'm going to tell you truth... and the answer is... PEOPLE. 

GOD wouldn't even be GOD without HIS PEOPLE!

GOD is the culmination of all the saints and sinners who have ever lived and breathed the breath of life and then died a wiser older human. Hopefully wiser anyway, sadly lots of people are not very wise at all. 

I saw a video today of a beautiful white woman shopping in a mall and Muslims started yelling and Muslim women surrounded her videoing her and stopping her from walking anywhere... I tell you that really makes me mad. One of GODS spiritual laws is for us to LOVE ONE ANOTHER. Love your neighbor as yourself. 

Yet some people choose to hate. Yeah, they hate people that they don't even know. I don't ascribe to hate, but I have felt it, for people that I know are evil and horrible humans. Not just for their skin color or personal beliefs. But for the meanness and the disrespect. We are supposed to pray for them.

There are some people who believe that they can disrespect you... but you must always respect them. But that's not how it works.  Demons demand this. I fight demons almost every day. 

And I won't back down.

I love to watch real videos. I'm not that fond of the AI videos although they are pretty bizarre. The thing is we have to know the difference. Just like the war of 'good versus evil' you have to know the difference between the good and the evil. How do we know? The spirit tells us. 

Which spirit are you listening to?

The world can be lost, or the world can be saved. 

And what is the key to knowledge you ask? Well, it can only be found in the light of GOD. Because where darkness lives you can't see the details. If you can't see them, you can't know them. And the demons won't ever tell you the truth.

The world we live in reminds me of a little ditty we used to recite for laughs; I didn't write it and I don't know who did, but now it's sort of depressing to see that it depicts the world today. 

"One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead boys stood up to fight, back-to-back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other, a deaf policeman heard the noise, came and shot the two dead boys, if you do not believe this lie is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too."

But the good news is...  I see people standing up for goodness' sake!

Many, many good people standing up for righteousness' sake!

The problem is... 'stupid people don't know that they are stupid'.

I love to see so many people trying to patiently teach them not to be stupid.

Like the woman who took her baby to commit a crime and tried to run over the cops, and they shot at her and killed the baby. Now people want to blame the cops. WRONG! Blame the stupid mother who was not safe at home taking care of her baby! See what I mean. 

If you don't understand... U need Jesus! 

Read what his friends wrote about him in Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John!

I believe the second coming of Jesus will not be a man coming down from the clouds, but HE WILL RISE UP in the hearts and minds of mere humans... 

And we as humans will have LOVE for one another!

And people around the world will know that OUR GOD... IS GOD!

GOD Bless US Everyone IJCNA

Like Jesus

So many thoughts rolling through my head these days. I feel like Job whose life came to a point that it was very bad and sad and horrible. It's how I am feeling! I am facing the hardest time of my life right now. I am struggling to hold fast to my hope and faith... I feel horrible thinking that GOD has abandoned me. But I know that in all history there have been those who have felt that way. 

So, I keep going.

So many times, I want to quit everything, but then something inside keeps saying... keep going! 

Immediately I go to my blessings... home, family and friends who genuinely love me... and a job to do that really helps others who really need it! And I guess I'm going to be fighting demons till the day I die! But maybe one day I will be able to live in peace... I love to be productive, and, in my job, I can be very productive! It's really the little things for me. HA...  My mother used to look at me and say... "It takes so little for some people." I never thought of that as a nice or good comment... until my coworker heard about it and said... "Wait a minute, that's a good thing that you get happy over the little things!" I stopped and I thought... YES she's right!

But living in the moment, I am sad and depressed and waiting for my world to change.

I see the attempt of WW3 starting up before my very eyes... some people don't have their priorities straight and they do a disservice to our nation. One of the worst things to get caught up in is the LOVE of money... So many... too many people are actively seeking out way more than they need and they are willing to lie cheat and steal for it!  Another awful thing to do is to seek out more food than your body needs and people are dying for the love of food. Fact is, it's not healthy to be fat. OK. a little fat... but some people are glorifying fatness and parading it for show, like it used to be, the fat lady in the circus because being fat was not the norm. 

I can see way more than these issues. Another being hate... and it seems to be media led... fact is, there are too many people out there who promote hate because 'a house divided will surely fall'. And there are people who are hoping our nation will fall. Evil powers would enjoy that one! 

People are blaming Trump for all our problems because they want him out of power. But in reality, he is what is keeping us going in the right direction! 

I wish people were not so narrow minded. 

And this crazy choosing who you identify with... is the most ridiculous thing ever! Getting doctors to agree is absolutely absurd! There are people around the world laughing hysterically because they know that GOD made 'male and female' for a purpose!  It's because the GOD of Jesus is a god of the living! We have LOVE and PEACE and respect for LIFE... I mean that's why Jesus came in the first place! 

However, I know that in the end good over comes evil! Because together as a group, people are good! It's the oddball who loves to do evil. 

I know in my heart that if I remain strong and willful, GOD will have my back throughout the rest of my life! And I thank GOD for the strength that HE gives me to keep going, there are too many times in my past that I just wanted to die and get it over with. 

I believe in my heart the thing to do is learn about Jesus, read his words of TRUTH and LOVE!

Recognize truth and love when you see it! And know in your heart that this is good and all that matters in this life! 

Be like Jesus... 

Promote Truth and Love in all that you do... Stay focused because we have to fight these demons together! I can't do it for you! You have to do it for the LOVE of TRUTH

GOD Bless US Everyone! IJCNA

Last Night

 About 1:30am I woke to the sound of shattered glass.

By the time I got to the bedroom door I could see a fight going on in the hall. 

My BD was being attacked by his homeless, drunk, drugged up so called friend. The fight came in on me, and I fell backwards and he scrambled behind me. I was shocked! What kind of man hides behind a woman? 

The psycho started going after my daughter and she and her daughter were struggling to hold her bedroom door shut... and from somewhere deep inside something drew up in me and I can't even remember the words, something like... "Get out of my house, what did I ever do to you that made you come into MY house and do this?" As he's backing up, I can see the destruction all around me, tables flipped over, things broken and scattered around.

 He's screaming back at me name calling... I don't even remember it all... It was all so crazy! I was expecting him to attack me too, we were nose to nose... me being firm with my words... Get out of my house... I was walking on glass! And I kept repeating the words as he stumbled and slipped out the broken back door, or what was left of it. It was completely shattered all over the ground. 

I am a peace-loving nonviolent person!

As far back as I can remember there has been violence and destruction. Anger, hate and meanness. I survived it only to still be subjected to this! It was 2 demons fighting... two of the same dark spirits trying to be top demon. Sorta like the Shiites and the Sunnis... same people... but with labels and hatred leading them. 

I don't know what makes people like that. I grew up knowing that I never wanted to be a part of that sort of life. I loved the peace and love that I felt at my maternal grandparents. I wake up with a good purpose; I strive to do the right thing. And the right thing is not to go to someone's house and start attacking them and destroying their stuff.

I was up most of the night cleaning up the disaster that was given to me. I slept a little because I was so tired, but it was hard to go to sleep with the back door wide open. My daughter and her daughter went to a real friend's house to sleep. I was up early cleaning up, I just know we have to keep on keeping on. No matter what happens we keep going.

I remember what I was feeling when I was staring into the eyes of Satan, and I am still struggling to figure it all out, because it wasn't fear or anger... it was a sense of calm... the strength of the power of GOD within me! I tell ya, you learn something new every day. 

You never know what you've got until it comes to the reality of it. 

By all means that man could have beat me down too. 

But he couldn't actually touch me because his spirit saw the spirit of the most highest strength holding my hand. He knew the best thing for him to do was to get the hell out of there! "if y'all call the police I'll come back and kill all y'all" he screamed at us going out the door. 

My daughter already had them on the phone!

I believe that in the new earth we won't be troubled with people like him, or the sort of people who go stop traffic in the streets to protest this or that and then freak out when they get run over! These people harbor demons that we can't see except with the eyes of the spirit! They choose in their minds to be stupid! They act without thinking.

I think it was Socrates who said, 'an unexamined life is not worth living.'

It's a waste of time to step out when you don't have a clue about what's going on. 

Pay attention to all the facts. Look at the consequences to everything! 

Keep straight. Be strong. And know from where your true power comes!

GOD Help US, Everyone!

IJCNA

Like A Duck

 I have really been struggling the past few days... But hey I've been struggling all my life. 

I'm good at being a survivor!

This past week I've had a few friends tell me that the demons go after the ones who are closest to being a threat to them. Yeah... you betcha, they have their hands full here. 

But I have been doing some things wrong. Hard to believe huh? lol

I am so easy to walk away. But I've had to stand strong against the evil in this world. Y'all know I fight demons. And I'm pretty good at it, but here lately it's become worse... things are so messed up I'll never be able to comprehend it all, so immediately I have to give it to GOD... and I must confess, it made me feel hate... ohhh  yes...I hate people who are deliberately screwed up, and they are so narrow minded they can't see beyond their own noses! One person who is close to me for about 40 years... chose to live in the darkness. I hated so badly I was thinking 'just die already'... and then I realized that harboring hate was not the way I wanted to live. And I was so frustrated and I was so tired of all the BS I asked GOD to just take me... I honestly wanted to die to escape the madness. I didn't even want to hear the words of correction and comfort. I was done. I laid in the bed for 2 days... begging GOD to do this. I didn't even eat the first day... it was like a personal sacrifice for peace. I just want the promises of GOD... a life full of love and peace and joy! I've never had that. But I am asking GOD for that... Please GOD before I die let me have that love and peace and happiness that I see out there in most of the people in the world.

I don't really want to die; I just need relief. Gimme a break, cut me some slack! PLEASE!

My whole life has been a chaotic mess. I've made some bad choices. 

The whole thing is that we can learn to do better! 

It might be too late for me, but I can tell the children to hold onto the love of your youth... love them more than you love yourself! It reminds me of the story of people sitting around the eating table, with arms ill equipped to feed themselves... until they discover they can easily feed each other. There's more to the story but the gest of it is; we're supposed to be kind and helpful, making life better for all!

Another thing I have to deal with is a thing I learned to do a long time ago. Today I am focused on how to change it as it's become a go to habit for me... and that is when a narcissistic person starts talking crap to me about me... they call me stupid or an idiot or like my mother used to call me a parasite. I used to just be quiet and take it... but I have discovered that I can jump on the bandwagon and insult and berate and tear down myself. And guess what happens!?! They're shocked... they are expecting me to cower and cry... and I am like... doing a better job than they are at ripping me apart! Even though I don't believe a word that I say.  And you know what!?! They shut up because they can't believe their eyes! Yes, I'm crazy...

 But I don't think GOD likes me to do that either. But it's what I've learned to do. 

And I usually walk away and never look back. 

Today I'm not walking away, I'm walking through!

People in the world filled with hate... they have no clue that life is so much better filled with love and respect and peace and joyous happiness! GOD has given us all the instructions that we need. And to get to that beautiful place, you must go through Jesus... read Matthew Mark Luke and John first to know him... and he brings you to the Holy Spirit who leads you to GOD!

The knowledge is not new... wisdom has always been there; it's just that people turn their backs on the good things because hate and lust and greed and arrogance and ignorance leads them astray from the perfect will of GOD.

So, the moral of the story is when life gets you down and all the storms that surround... when the rains come a pouring down... be a duck... shake it off... the sun always shines on a new day!

GOD Bless US... Everyone! IJCNA

 

I don't think GOD liked that at all. I got flashes in my head of all the goodness that I shared. 

Silent Tears

   Life has not been fair. Is it ever? 

I've been crying every day for several weeks. 

So much going on and I feel like there is no good in the world. Of course, there is actually more good stuff than bad. But it seems to me, to be me and to tell my story of my place in this life that seems so hard, I'm assuming because I made a few bad choices, it's a struggle!

I hope that we can teach the children to do better! 

I know for me I was raised up in violence. And the smart people tell me it's because my mother was mean and cruel and violent, that's why I married men who were mean and cruel and violent. My mother loved me and she was mean, so I married men who were mean because that's what I thought love was. I thought everyone had that shit going on. 

I may not have had a good man, but I raised up my son to be one, him and his wife are still together from teenagers, 25 years! And with 3 beautiful children! They live 4 houses down from me!

I am BLESSED!

But right now, I want to talk about the thing that hurt me the most this week... it was learning about the silent tears that I cry. I did a web search asking if it was a skill to cry without making a sound... I wasn't surprised to learn that yes; it was a skill that I probably learned through childhood trauma. You know when you cry without making any noise, so you won't get beat worse. 

But I am getting ahead of myself. 

So, the homeless woman came back. I don't mind giving her a safe place to sleep or food. She can shower and wash her clothes. I just have a problem with her drinking and doing drugs. I don't have any rules, so she comes and goes as she wants. She begs people for money and food and here's the kicker, she pays for nothing, gets everything... there's several restaurants where she can go and beg for food. She says... "I'm hungry, I haven't eaten all day, do you have any extras that you can give me?"  And most all of the managers will give her free food! 

On the bus one day a mother and her kids got on with a bucket of chicken, taking it home. And she asked them the same way, "I haven't eaten all day and I'm really hungry, can I have a piece of chicken?"  She didn't get a piece, and the mother and children got off at the next stop.

The thing is she went on and got more food. She eats better than my family! 

And she gets people to buy her expensive toiletries... she's using Loreal and I'm using VO5.

I did get a little bothered about it, how I have worked all my life since I was 15... I never learned to beg. I have always made my own way. And I am still working and paying all the bills. This week the electric bill was more than my paycheck, so I saved a bit from last week to pay the bill. And there's nothing extra. I don't ask anyone for anything. 

I struggle with fighting other people's demons. 

Believing that someday it'll make a difference. 

And really technically it doesn't really matter. I only want to do the right thing. 

It's basically between me and GOD and GOD knows all of my troubles and how I struggle through it. 

And I cry, a lot.

One day this week I was with the lady I am a care provider for, (the homeless woman is her friend) and we had seen her at the bus stop. She was wacked out and talking to the lady I work for, I remained silent, just listening to her say that she had been in the hospital and stuff that happened to her.   We got off the bus and did our errand's and, on the way home we saw her again on the bus. She got off and went into Popeyes. We also went in. That's when she went on and on about what's been going on and what she's going to do, someone had stolen her phone so she couldn't call or text... and I said to my lady, "show her the picture" and that's where she learned there was a picture of her sleeping on the bench. She didn't want to see it, what a crazy day, but it was about to get worse. We left her and we were waiting at the bus stop; I opened up to Ms. S about the silent tears discovery that I had made just the night before. I went into more detail for her about the torture I survived and told her of how I was stripped naked and beaten until we would bleed and how we were made to step up to a wall and take a big step back and then rest on the wall with 1 or 2 fingers, let me tell you that hurts! I was talking through tears telling my most horrible memories. I was still trying to figure it all out. Explaining about how I was told that all that was from my stepdad being in the military and they used these tactics on enemy prisoners. (I've been through 7 years of therapy.) Ive learned a lot of things. 

When I got home Ms. S sent me a text saying she talked to someone, and they said the military doesn't do that... there was something about the wall but is only used by the CIA. 

WHAT!?! You're going to believe all the lies the homeless woman told you and you think I'm lying? I swear I will never open up to her about any of my secret thoughts ever again.

It really hurt my feelings. I feel like I lost a friend that day. Or maybe she was never a friend. Whatever... there's been other issues. I almost lost another friend because of my mood, but they're still with me and I appreciate that so much! But I do just stay alone in my room, I am very reclusive. And it's OK!

Sometimes when some narcissist insults me, I jump on the bandwagon, boy have I got some great insults to drag me down farther than they could ever think of going. And they are shocked; they are usually the ones with the put downs. But OK, I am a survivor and it's just another thing I learned to do. I don't think GOD likes it though. 

When I start feeling sad and alone, I count my blessings, I have a safe home, friends and family who love me! And I have a job that pays my bills. I'll probably work till the day I die... it's nice having something good and productive to do!

I Thank GOD for the LOVE and the BREATH...

I thank GOD that I do not allow others to make me as bad as they are. 

And I love all y'all, it's you all who give my life purpose and meaning! 

I still have a dream, and I hope LOVE wins in the end! Of course it will! For it is written!

GOD Bless US Everyone! IJCNA

The GOD Perspective

 If I could be remembered for one thing, I would like it to be that I could change some people's perspective of who and what GOD is. I realize that a lot of people already know who GOD is, of course they do, they taught me! But there's nothing better than to look and see through spiritual eyes to get the whole picture.

When people see GOD as like a man in the sky... they have the wrong perspective. 

First and foremost, this thought is wrong because GOD is not a man, HE IS a spirit. 

Now, we know the spirit of GOD can inhabit people; which tells us that GOD is not a single entity. I believe that GOD is the culmination of all the souls of all the saints and sinners and everyone in between who has ever lived and breathed and died. I believe that that little spark of energy that keeps our heart beating and leaves us when we die, (some people call them orbs) that little bit of energy is what remains alive and holds our souls... our thoughts and memories are in there. And we are attracted to the light, the light being GOD which is all the ones together that have gone before us. It contains our whole history of ancestors. Everyone sharing their memories. 

Once you die, there is no more body, but the soul is still very much alive.

When I look out in the world and I see so many people who have no sense of morals, no love of others, only loving themselves, I feel so sad about it. Because GOD has something so much better in mind for US! GOD is all about LOVING ACTIONS! HE wants us to care about each other, do good things that makes each other's world a better place! 

The words are... Love one another, do good to one another, help each other out... and the last that hardly anyone talks about is this... Confess your faults one to another!

I believe that it is good to confess your faults to someone you feel close too so that you can see yourself through the eyes of another human. And most times you walk away with a different perspective!

I like that we can share the same spirit!

GOD can also give us warning about things that could happen if we don't care and we don't pay attention. I think a simple example is this, throwing garbage on the ground ... imagine if everyone threw their garbage on the ground! I know I hate to see garbage piled up in the ditch that I walk by every week! GOD within me would never allow me to throw garbage down. Have you seen places where they have garbage everywhere? 

It's like thieves and murderers... its ok for them to do it to you, but all hells gonna break loose if you steal from them or murder their momma.

Some people can't see beyond their own noses.

The power of GOD has been alive and well in a godzillion amount of people!

Be one of them! 

We know that GOD is good and Jesus can help you find GOD!

I thank GOD for all the Spirit has inspired!

GOD Bless US! Everyone! IJCNA