Mothers Day Weekend

What a crazy wonderful weekend I had. 

Saturday was spent in my favorite chair crying at the failure I felt like I was. I felt like I failed my children my faith and my friends. I was withdrawn and quiet. I am expert at crying silent tears. I've learned that over the years. 

My daughter even got mad at me for being so 'weird' as she said it, in the text.

I prayed most of the day. I felt a pain and I would cry again. 

GOD tells US to pray without ceasing! And that's what I was doing. Trying my hardest to give it all to GOD. You see my truth will always be my truth for ever. Nothing can change it. I have to just learn to live with it, even though its hard sometimes.

I finally told my daughter I was feeling like a failure as a mother and as a Christian and as a human being. She was quiet a minute and she said, "Just pray" ... "I will" I said.

Every time I thought about my dad abandoning me... every time I thought about how my mother abused me... I tried to figure out why and couldn't come up with any answer except to know they were only thinking about themselves, not their children. And I remember how Jesus loved the little children and called them the 'kingdom of heaven'... and so I know my parents didn't follow Jesus.

Well, this is all old news and I am not going to dwell on the sadness of it all.

But it was a hard day to get through, to say the least.

The next morning, about noonish I woke up to my youngest grand daughter coming in my bedroom... "Nanny, we're here!" she said in her little 6 year old girly voice, of which I LOVE so much! I knew by the smile on my face it was going to be a better day! HA! And I was going to do nothing that day... nope... my daughter had bought a really cool slip and slide and they set it up in the front yard! 

My sons 2 youngest came also... they just live 4 houses down! 

I did have a texting communication with my son. He is so smart when he talks about what he's doing its hard to understand, his work in his home office is very complicated, hard for me to know exactly all those technical terms. But he's also agnostic. He can talk about GOD and the devil and he's saying its just US... well he doesn't do good with labels and I am just so happy I taught him all about LOVE... I loved him with more than my life. He always came first in my 'mom life'! He was kind and cuddly and still is. He does work a day job with heavy machinery and comes home dirty, but he just cleans up and gets to the job of being a dad. Sometimes he does act like a baby, I feel for my daughter in law cause its like she has 4 kids sometimes, but she loves them so much and she loves my son with her whole being... he is good to her even though he whines. I say that's my fault, she doesn't argue with me. But she says he doesn't beat her or call her names... he is good to her and he loves her special. I am so grateful that my son paid attention when I told him, 'there would be lots of girls, but there would be 1 special one who he will love more than any of the others! So sure enough, he found that in his life and he has made a wonderful little family there! And I thank GOD for that!

I wish I could tell you what he gave me... well... you know what? I am going to tell you anyway because it is my goal in here to be open and honest. My son he sure missed his calling because he is a natural comedian! He is so very smart and he thinks of all sorts of things... I want to hit on like 1 thing here... His wife loves frogs... She has frog figurines and frog earrings and frog decals on her car. So my son he made a sign, put it in front of where she parks her car... sign says... 'Frog parking only; All others will be toad'! She came home and saw it and laughed so hard! He's always doing things like that. So when it came to Mothers day for me, he was quite the comedian... It was a keyboard box, when I opened it up it said... Happy Mothers Day in blue with a red line crossed through Mothers... and put Failures on the side... with a crossed out 'failed' with a red heart on top... with all sorts of hearts and smiley faces all over... and a by note; 'for us failures in life' ... (he has heart failure and is on meds) the box had a sack of hydroponic marijuana with the words, "Nigga! Feel better!"  OMG, I laughed and laughed! I bout fell off my chair! I have the craziest, coolest son ever! He truly LOVES his momma! 

I also had a cherished text with my daughter I put up for adoption back in 1978! I told her I was feeling like a failure, asked her if I failed her. She wrote back... "No, I don't believe you failed me at all. Especially knowing what I know now. If you would of  asked me how I felt at 16, I may have given a different answer... but I never once thought you FAILED me. I thought I was the problem. But not anymore. I'm 100% at peace with the decision you made and love and respect the hell out of you for being so selfless."  And then she said... "Its OK, We are supposed to talk and express our feelings. We are mother and daughter. It's how its supposed to be!"

Ummm you guessed it... I was crying! GOD look at her! She's amazing! And I thank GOD for her! And also want to note here, when I was pregnant as a teenager, 18. I was baptized in the name of Jesus! And learned to talk to GOD and GOD told me HE was going to get her to a good family who will love her and do good by her. OMG YES! HE answered my prayers... I didn't know then, but I found out in 2017 when she found me through Ancestery.com and Facebook! They are PPP's! Salt of the earth farmers! She grew up on a farm! Can you imagine? I am so grateful to GOD for keeping HIS promise!

So like I was saying, my daughter just showed up on Sunday! She doesn't live to close anymore. Its about 45 minutes drive. She is so awesome... She's 29 now. She has learned a lot in this life and she sure does love me lots these days... she was a typical teen, 'mother is stupid' thinkers... HAHAHA... it does my heart good to see her and her little family thriving and loving each other... and loving me!

It was a wonderful day for me... I managed to find enough food for them... and they were all having a really good time! I say all because my friend Denise had her niece come over with her two kids... we really enjoyed watching them have fun playing in the water, slipping and sliding and laughing!

Through all the pain... todays reality for me is the way GOD meant for it to be all along...

I am HAPPY! I did not fail as a mom... all my kids have the LOVE that is so cherished in our hearts... I did not fail as a Christian, because even tho I have not 'fans' on here (only 1 old friend)... I have many readers, hundreds a month! And that is what keeps me going! I may not have lots of 'likes' on Facebook but I have almost 5000 'friends' and only a few of them are perve's.... HAHAHA... for real though... I have a multi diverse readers/friends. And I am glad about it! 

I have not failed as a human being because in my world, GOD gave me 3 souls who have shown me that LOVE is a great gift... when you give it away! And so I also, give my LOVE to you, I thank you for reading this and sharing! I thank GOD for you! I know years ago some people tried to shut me up... but look see? I am still here! And...

The Lord is with ME!

And I thank GOD for it!

GOD Bless US, Everyone! IJCNA