Silent Tears

   Life has not been fair. Is it ever? 

I've been crying every day for several weeks. 

So much going on and I feel like there is no good in the world. Of course, there is actually more good stuff than bad. But it seems to me, to be me and to tell my story of my place in this life that seems so hard, I'm assuming because I made a few bad choices, it's a struggle!

I hope that we can teach the children to do better! 

I know for me I was raised up in violence. And the smart people tell me it's because my mother was mean and cruel and violent, that's why I married men who were mean and cruel and violent. My mother loved me and she was mean, so I married men who were mean because that's what I thought love was. I thought everyone had that shit going on. 

I may not have had a good man, but I raised up my son to be one, him and his wife are still together from teenagers, 25 years! And with 3 beautiful children! They live 4 houses down from me!

I am BLESSED!

But right now, I want to talk about the thing that hurt me the most this week... it was learning about the silent tears that I cry. I did a web search asking if it was a skill to cry without making a sound... I wasn't surprised to learn that yes; it was a skill that I probably learned through childhood trauma. You know when you cry without making any noise, so you won't get beat worse. 

But I am getting ahead of myself. 

So, the homeless woman came back. I don't mind giving her a safe place to sleep or food. She can shower and wash her clothes. I just have a problem with her drinking and doing drugs. I don't have any rules, so she comes and goes as she wants. She begs people for money and food and here's the kicker, she pays for nothing, gets everything... there's several restaurants where she can go and beg for food. She says... "I'm hungry, I haven't eaten all day, do you have any extras that you can give me?"  And most all of the managers will give her free food! 

On the bus one day a mother and her kids got on with a bucket of chicken, taking it home. And she asked them the same way, "I haven't eaten all day and I'm really hungry, can I have a piece of chicken?"  She didn't get a piece, and the mother and children got off at the next stop.

The thing is she went on and got more food. She eats better than my family! 

And she gets people to buy her expensive toiletries... she's using Loreal and I'm using VO5.

I did get a little bothered about it, how I have worked all my life since I was 15... I never learned to beg. I have always made my own way. And I am still working and paying all the bills. This week the electric bill was more than my paycheck, so I saved a bit from last week to pay the bill. And there's nothing extra. I don't ask anyone for anything. 

I struggle with fighting other people's demons. 

Believing that someday it'll make a difference. 

And really technically it doesn't really matter. I only want to do the right thing. 

It's basically between me and GOD and GOD knows all of my troubles and how I struggle through it. 

And I cry, a lot.

One day this week I was with the lady I am a care provider for, (the homeless woman is her friend) and we had seen her at the bus stop. She was wacked out and talking to the lady I work for, I remained silent, just listening to her say that she had been in the hospital and stuff that happened to her.   We got off the bus and did our errand's and, on the way home we saw her again on the bus. She got off and went into Popeyes. We also went in. That's when she went on and on about what's been going on and what she's going to do, someone had stolen her phone so she couldn't call or text... and I said to my lady, "show her the picture" and that's where she learned there was a picture of her sleeping on the bench. She didn't want to see it, what a crazy day, but it was about to get worse. We left her and we were waiting at the bus stop; I opened up to Ms. S about the silent tears discovery that I had made just the night before. I went into more detail for her about the torture I survived and told her of how I was stripped naked and beaten until we would bleed and how we were made to step up to a wall and take a big step back and then rest on the wall with 1 or 2 fingers, let me tell you that hurts! I was talking through tears telling my most horrible memories. I was still trying to figure it all out. Explaining about how I was told that all that was from my stepdad being in the military and they used these tactics on enemy prisoners. (I've been through 7 years of therapy.) Ive learned a lot of things. 

When I got home Ms. S sent me a text saying she talked to someone, and they said the military doesn't do that... there was something about the wall but is only used by the CIA. 

WHAT!?! You're going to believe all the lies the homeless woman told you and you think I'm lying? I swear I will never open up to her about any of my secret thoughts ever again.

It really hurt my feelings. I feel like I lost a friend that day. Or maybe she was never a friend. Whatever... there's been other issues. I almost lost another friend because of my mood, but they're still with me and I appreciate that so much! But I do just stay alone in my room, I am very reclusive. And it's OK!

Sometimes when some narcissist insults me, I jump on the bandwagon, boy have I got some great insults to drag me down farther than they could ever think of going. And they are shocked; they are usually the ones with the put downs. But OK, I am a survivor and it's just another thing I learned to do. I don't think GOD likes it though. 

When I start feeling sad and alone, I count my blessings, I have a safe home, friends and family who love me! And I have a job that pays my bills. I'll probably work till the day I die... it's nice having something good and productive to do!

I Thank GOD for the LOVE and the BREATH...

I thank GOD that I do not allow others to make me as bad as they are. 

And I love all y'all, it's you all who give my life purpose and meaning! 

I still have a dream, and I hope LOVE wins in the end! Of course it will! For it is written!

GOD Bless US Everyone! IJCNA